addendum

after my last post, i feel a need to clarify.

i don't want to sound whiney about motherhood. because i know, sometimes i do. you can almost guarantee that any time i write a post like my last one, we haven't gotten to see tim in awhile. i already knew it before, but this time of tim's work absences reaffirms for me God's design for marriage and parenthood-children need a mother AND a father. the boys behaviour and attitudes really start to change when they haven't had daddy time in awhile. when they get to spend time with my dad or their awesome uncles, i can even see a difference. our society doesn't do men justice-YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS MOMMAS! i know i didn't value tim's role enough and often felt sorry for myself that i had to carry the bulk of the parenting load. of course, when kiddos are nursing babies, this is more true, but as the boys get older, i can see the difference. i also see how much i took tim for granted for myself. i need that teammate that gives me a break from the boys. i need that emotional support. i need that adult companionship.

but getting back to my point-i don't want to be whiney. i know there are bigger, badder things going on in the world than my little problems. lately i've been reading about and praying for a family that will loose their adopted daughter-the only family she has ever known- after a long and frustrating legal battle. i cannot even imagine what that would be like. then, today i received an update from this organization-food for the poor. i cannot fathom going on with life after watching your own babe starve to death. (their gift catalog is a great christmas idea, especially for those hard to shop for people who already have everything. give them a goat!)

hear me, hear me: I KNOW I AM BLESSED, BLESSED, BLESSED!

but i am also weak and wobbly and sometimes i get really overwhelmed. God knows how weak and wobbly i am and gives me very small crosses, but to me, sometimes they feel very, very heavy. "sparkles and rainbows" is the kind of post that i needed to be able to read myself, and it seemed like it resonated with a few of you as well. a piece about how even blessings can be hard. because when i'm worn out and it feels like i've been on duty all day and all night for the last week, i really start to doubt myself-yes satan, i know that is you. when i see an acquaintance from high school update her fb status about how even when she's home from work sick, it's a wonderful day because it means she gets to be with her toddler, i start to think i am a beast of a mother. why don't i love my boys as much as she loves her kid? it's hard to think clearly when you're exhausted. sleep deprivation is a nasty thing!

sometimes my boys are naughty and sometimes they are polite and generous and everything i have hoped for. sometimes my husband lets me down, but sometimes he is totally amazing. sometimes i am a really great wife and mother. but other times, i would be ashamed if my nastiness were caught on video. most of the time, we all fall somewhere in the middle- we are all human.

as much as weak and wobbly me wants motherhood and life in general to be easy, i know that it will never be that. anyone who projects that image is not giving the whole picture, either intentionally or unintentionally.

some parts of life will always be hard. but as tim said one night as i was on the edge, "it doesn't have to be this hard." so i try to do the things that i can do to make our life "easier": make our home more efficient and tidier so it's a pleasant place to be, reach out to our support network of friends and family, get more sleep (fail!), and the "thing" that i need to improve on the most-PRAYER. pray for strength. for wisdom. for courage. for others in the world who are suffering. and in thanksgiving.

so...it's not that i don't want to be a mother or that I want different kids. it's that i want to be a better mother (and wife and person) and sometimes i don't like what i see. But I know that, with His help, and the intercession of my Mother Mary, i can be better and stronger.



i'll try to lay off the rambly posts for awhile and show some house stuff next time.