too many annes

The other night I was supposed to go to bed early, but instead I had a lovely time reading Anne of Green Gables. I have wanted to read it for a long time, but am the worst at remembering and checking out books. Pretty much the only books I read are the ones that get plopped into my hands. So when a dear friend gave me the most beautiful birthday present, I was delighted.


I started out reading it in my usual imprudent way of staying up way too late, but then realized there was no hurry and have just picked it up every once in a while when I want a peaceful read. I vaguely remember the story from watching the movie as a kid, so there's no dire sense of "How does it end?!"It is such a lovely book, even just seeing it laying on my pile of books makes me smile.

So as I was reading, one line really hit me. "There's such a lot of different Anne's in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

I don't think I'm much like Anne AT ALL-not a pretender or imaginer, but I do often feel like there are too many Marys in me. In my mothering, I oscillate between wanting to be an unschooling, homesteading, hippy mom and sending my sons away to a boarding school or maybe a monastery. Sometimes I really like our little home and our little life and our security,  but sometimes I feel sooo restless and want to have some big adventure! There are several jobs that I think would be very fulfilling, but how to chose a direction? I used to just feel broken. Would get so annoyed with myself. "Just put your hand to the plow and don't look back."  But lately I keep thinking that God makes us the way he does for a reason, and the reason isn't just to torment Tim. Yes, some of it is imperfection that needs to be refined and worked out. Yes, I know we have restless hearts because we are not made for this world.  But I'm trying to also pray for wisdom. How do you want to use me, Lord? Discerning.