too many annes

The other night I was supposed to go to bed early, but instead I had a lovely time reading Anne of Green Gables. I have wanted to read it for a long time, but am the worst at remembering and checking out books. Pretty much the only books I read are the ones that get plopped into my hands. So when a dear friend gave me the most beautiful birthday present, I was delighted.


I started out reading it in my usual imprudent way of staying up way too late, but then realized there was no hurry and have just picked it up every once in a while when I want a peaceful read. I vaguely remember the story from watching the movie as a kid, so there's no dire sense of "How does it end?!"It is such a lovely book, even just seeing it laying on my pile of books makes me smile.

So as I was reading, one line really hit me. "There's such a lot of different Anne's in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

I don't think I'm much like Anne AT ALL-not a pretender or imaginer, but I do often feel like there are too many Marys in me. In my mothering, I oscillate between wanting to be an unschooling, homesteading, hippy mom and sending my sons away to a boarding school or maybe a monastery. Sometimes I really like our little home and our little life and our security,  but sometimes I feel sooo restless and want to have some big adventure! There are several jobs that I think would be very fulfilling, but how to chose a direction? I used to just feel broken. Would get so annoyed with myself. "Just put your hand to the plow and don't look back."  But lately I keep thinking that God makes us the way he does for a reason, and the reason isn't just to torment Tim. Yes, some of it is imperfection that needs to be refined and worked out. Yes, I know we have restless hearts because we are not made for this world.  But I'm trying to also pray for wisdom. How do you want to use me, Lord? Discerning.

just a typical night.

disclaimer: this post is pretty dumb. i wanted to see how annoying it was to insert pictures, since last time i did it, it was like two years ago and it was sooo slow and terrible on our old computer. turns out, i'm a big dumb-o and it's actually pretty easy. and, joel has been a super blogging machine lately and i felt like i owed him for all the amusement he has been providing.

tim and i were laying in bed tonight, watching videos/reading on our respective screens when i brought up an escape ladder that i had researched earlier in the day. max has been really freaked out about the possibility of a fire, and although i'd rather not spend the money on something so boring, better safe than sorry, and if it buys him some peace of mind, i guess i love him that much. so, escape ladder. to which tim replies, "what, so you can just pee off the side of the bed?" me: "??????!!!!!!!!??????" "what does that have to do with an escape ladder?" tim: "oh, i thought you said escape bladder." changing my train of thought, i had to question him about the purpose of an escape bladder, so he explained that it'd be for when you didn't want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. after a long day, it gave us a good laugh.

then i heard a bunch of loud noises from the porch, like our pet opossum was making his nightly dinner stop. tim hopped up, grabbed the shot gun, and went to the window in the dining room. he reported back that it was a skunk and grabbed his ear protection. i got up to look at it because skunks are pretty adorable. the cats' food bowls are right under the window, so it allows a great view of whatever critter is visiting our porch buffet. if i could unsmellify a skunk, i would totally want one as a pet. i love the way they wander around, seem pretty shy, and their fur is amazing. this guy was on high alert, so his/her tail was up straight, but with all this long, curled over fur/hair on the end. it looked like this guy/gal was better groomed/styled than my hair has been...ever. to top off the amazing display, i kept hearing wanda sykes voice in my head. after it finished off the cat food, it crawled off the porch.

this picture does not do wanda's beauty justice.

thinking the chances of our house getting sprayed at this point were pretty low, i opened the window to see what it's reaction would be. it started to run, so tim went running after it, kinda. if i went after critters with a shotgun, i'd probably accidentally shoot the van or something because i would be so, "get it!!!!" that i wouldn't evaluate my shot. like this, but in english and with cursing:




thankfully, tim has a lot more sense in this department. in an attempt to get a safe shot he chased after it, yell singing, "stinky buns! stinky buns! stinky buns!" the yell singing was, i think, to amuse me and to give him courage/distract himself from the danger he was pursuing.  the vocals, combined with the visuals, did indeed amuse me. tim is very tenderfooted, so it was more like he was hobble chasing the skunk. and...he was only clad in his underwear. maybe it was one of those "you had to be there moments". but, considering this hunting apparel, maybe not.

thankfully, it's not all grumps, all the time around here. 

*** after having tim proof this to make sure he was comfortable with it, he insists he was "bounding" across the yard in a very manly way. and the yell singing was purely for his sake. he didn't realize i had heard that.

cluster.cuss.

This is really long. I guess you could call it kind of a "day in the life" post. You can skip it unless really bored, and even then, I've warned you. I should have gone to bed early instead of staying up to write this, but I'm pretty sure someday, I'll be glad I preserved this slice of our circus. 

No decluttering post here. Today was too good not to throw down some words for posterity. Because the children have all been asleep for over an hour, I can start to laugh about how ridiculous this stuff is. And because in the thick of it, I had some amusing text exchanges and a phone call that pulled me back from the brink.

Yesterday Tim and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. By God's grace, we have survived each other. To celebrate, I forgot about the blissful occasion until my mom reminded me. For the last 6 months, I've thought off and on how it'd be really nice to do something extra special. Then the plague descended on our house and my brain melted. Once he got home and we got the boys put to bed, we put our new vacuum together while I informed him that one of our children got a note from school about something that isn't a big deal in the grand scheme but makes us feel bad as parents. "Cheers! We suck as parents." Oh vacuum humor-it's what 10 years together gets you.

John Paul fought his nap like a crazed animal yesterday, but I finally got him sedated after bringing the big boys home from school. Then I let him sleep way later than I probably should have. John Paul is cute, but he does not make the after school homework/dinner time segment of my day a fun one. So without his screaming or paper snatching, I helped Ben on his book report and made dinner in peace. If your second grader does not have to do book reports, but think that sounds way fun and you're feeling sad about missing out, you are more than welcome to come hang with Ben while he slogs through his. The salt in our very fresh, gaping book report wound was the assignment sheet the teacher sent home for the next book report. Before we had even turned this one in.

What did I make for our anniversary dinner you are wondering? Well, considering Tim wouldn't be home for dinner and I had ignored the thawed pack in the fridge as long as I could, me and the boys feasted on liver. This is worth noting because I really, really hate liver. I have started making it about once every couple of months (the amount of time it takes me to build up a new round of courage) because we get it from processing since no one else wants it (free! i love free!) and because it's exceptionally healthy. I have great hopes that if I make the boys choke it down occasionally, they will have exceptionally straight teeth and the strongest of physiques. Darn you Weston Price for always being in the back of my head. (If you don't know the work of Weston Price, I'm not going to explain it. And consider yourself lucky for being able to feed your children with maybe a little less guilt.)

Like I said, I hate liver. We had to eat it as kids, and I swore that I never would as an adult. It's the one food that as a kid, made me gag with every bite. I'm only a little bit better about it now. But because I have to play it cool with the boys and can't gag with every bite, I have found that aggressively chewing it on the extreme side of my mouth, while cursing it in my head, and sometimes running my feet in place under my chair, seems to get me by. Last night I only (discretely) gagged twice. The boys don't like it, but eat it just as well as other things they don't like. No gagging on their parts.

Since I let John Paul sleep so late, he got to stay up later and hang out with Tim while I put the big boys to bed. I came downstairs and Tim was putting him to bed, which has happened probably less than 5 times in all of his life. When Tim came out, he said, "I think it's so sweet how John Paul lets me know when he's done rocking and ready to lay down." I scowled at him. Hard.  Although we had been on a pretty good streak of bedtimes for several months and I had hoped that we were consistently past obnoxious bedtime shenanigans from our children, John Paul has been "not sweet" at nap and bedtime lately. I usually nurse and rock him, then put him in his bed after a while. Lately he does not really want to nurse, or rock, or have me hold him, but he also definitely does NOT want to be put in his bed.

(Boy, that's a lot and I didn't even get to today.)

Ben got a fever during the night-so cue 'ol Mr. "my fingers are like string" I've gotten used to his fever weirdness and was reminded that Tim also kind of hallucinates when he has fevers. When we were dating, he told me alllll about the Civil War, but without making any sense. "How can Ben have a fever when he ate the healthiest of all healthy foods for dinner?" you are asking yourself. Maybe the problem is I'm feeding him too healthy! Tomorrow we'll get donuts to celebrate yet another missed day of school.

So Ben was home from school today, but not uncomfortable, so that was nice. He worked on his workbooks they have every night so that he wouldn't be crushed by the extra stuff that would come home with Max. I hated make-up work so much as a kid that I figured it was very rarely worth it to try to fake it to stay home. I hate make-up work just as much as a parent. You're trying to ease this kid back into things and build them back up, but they have the stress of extra work. A necessary evil.

Max isn't getting enough attention in all this hullabuloo. Thankfully, he's our easy child right now. He gets his homework done super fast and keeps himself busy with art projects. He makes a lot of messes, but project messes are my least despised of messes. But don't worry, he's not perfect. Every night he comes into the kitchen and asks what's for dinner. I then tell him, and he goes sulking away 9/10 times. For a while, I refused to answer him, which he didn't think was funny. Very rarely, he answers, "eh, I'm okay with that." Gee thanks pal. On the very, very rare occasion it's something he really likes, he becomes overwhelmingly excited. "Slappy when happy" is how I describe it.

The other funny thing about Max is that his ears are stopped up right now from the cold he had? I'm of the "wait it out" school of parenting thought, trying to do a few things at home. But his teacher probably thinks we're idiots for not taking him to the doctor. Well, his sub-his teacher's on maternity leave. Hopefully they will clear by the time she gets back. Otherwise we'll just have to say, "Hey lady, we're sorry, but isn't it already obvious we're not very good parents?!" I felt guilted into cutting Max's hair this fall when he reported home, "Mrs. Teacher asked me when I was going to get a hair cut?" She doesn't understand my street urchin vision. But back to his ears. Communicating with Max is like trying to talk to a 90 year old former machinist. Everything is a loud, "HUH?!" But he's a nosey old man, so even if I'm not talking to him, it's still, "HUH?!" There was a couple days were both he AND Ben had the pluggy ears. Dinner with Norman and Walter was a real treat.

Well, I've sure written a lot. Some people exercise out their frustrations. I'll use the cold weather as an excuse for that not being an option, Cause this weather?! Isn't it a real treat. There's a gal I'm FB friends with who lives in Florida who has posted swimming pictures twice this month. I want to kick her tan, exposed shins!!!

The real gem of the last two days has been John Paul's sleep. Yesterday had nothin' on today, and as of last night, I considered yesterday pretty annoying. He was so deliriously tired this afternoon that he was screaming, screaming, screaming but when I would try to pick him up, he would dislocate his shoulders and slide half way out of my hands and flop on the floor. Then he would throw himself at me like he wanted to be picked up. Then repeat the melting thing. As he screamed in his room, since there was nothing I could do for him, Ben sympathetically said, "Why don't you just go in and nurse and rock him, Mom?" I thought about replying, "Why don't YOU go nurse and rock him?!" but refrained and instead described what John Paul did when I tried to help him. He had no more parenting tips for me after my description.

Why was John Paul so beyond tired. Well, probably because I do everything wrong as a parent, but also because he figured out how to climb out of the pack 'n' play that is his bed. I had hoped keeping him in the pack 'n' play would buy more time than the crib did for his brothers (and honestly I think Max was just shy of two before he started bailing out? so that was nice) because I thought the soft sides would make it harder to get monkey toe grip as opposed to the rails. I don't know how he's getting out. I didn't ever hear any "thump" like he's falling out. Nap time involved a lot of praying and not charitable thoughts on my part. I think John Paul was cursing at me. Then because I'm a complete idiot, I decided to make almond butter 45 minutes into his nap. Making almond butter is THE loudest thing I ever do in the kitchen. I avoid it even when no one is sleeping because I don't like how loud it is. Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! If Tim had done that, I probably would have....not been happy with him. 45 minutes was NOT enough nap for John Paul and he let us know how unhappy he was about my stupid almond butter making.

When I went back to work when Max was just shy of three, people asked me if I liked working outside the home again. My response was, "I like not being yelled at by the people I spend my day with. No matter how mad my boss is with me, he never yells at me and definitely doesn't hit me." Today was one of those days that daycare starting sounding mighty wonderful!!!

After dinner John Paul was being really cute and playing with Max. It made me do one of those annoying parent, "maybe it's all worth it afterall" things. Then he lost it, started doing the shoulder dislocatey don't want to be held but really want to be held but don't want to be held thing again. It doesn't even need to be a daycare at this point. A nice kennel will be perfectly acceptable.

So I tried to put him to bed. He climbed out a bunch of times. Each time he would go and unplug his fan we use for white noise. Like, "Oh hey guys, I actually don't need to go to bed." but with screaming. I would go back in, plug in the fan, kiss the flailing mess, and put him back in his bed. One of the times, I plugged the fan in before I picked him up because he was so hard to hold. He took that as his chance to try to stumble, drunkenly out of his room through the cracked door, with his two, rather bulky, precious blankets in his arms. Poor kid. I kinda just wanted to let him go and see what he would do. But I knew it would only be more floor flopping, and at least the carpet in his room is a lot softer than the hardwood.

Today, the Pope Francis quote from his Sunday address kept popping up in my newsfeed, about motherhood being a beautiful sacrifice. I'm not quite so sure about the beautiful part, Papa.

Good days and bad days

I keep trying to write/edit a follow up post to that last doozy. I hate that it just hangs out there. I keep trying to write a tidy, life's getting better post. And some days I have it almost done, and then a real kicker of a day plows us over and I don't want to be a liar.

When I wrote that last post, I was at the peak of exhaustion. Or one of many peaks. Sleep is important, and 15 months without a full night takes a big toll. (That is a huge understatement.)  I can joke about it or make light about it, but honestly, last year, for a lot of different reasons, had some pretty dark days. I've tried to write about it, but the words are so insufficient, and it is so very complex.

Writing about hard things is...hard. It takes a lot of energy and still often just doesn't measure up. Very, very rarely, if ever, do I think we, the reader of blogs, get an accurate understanding of someone else's life. Because I really, really struggle with envy, i try to be honest about how i'm feeling, but even my "honesty" is pretty edited in this space. That has always been something that I wrestle with. I miss writing, but I don't want to be a whiner on bad days, nor only highlight the good days. This is where I could say something obnoxious about balance. Screw balance. It doesn't exist. We have restless hearts in this fallen world.

The thing that I have learned and keep trying to remember is that, yes, there will be bad days. There will also be good days. There is no equation that when properly executed equals all good days. But there are also things that can be done to make bad days better. The sun will shine again. We will all be simultaneously healthy someday.

I am getting more sleep these days. Thank you Jesus! I'm trying to take better care of myself. Tim has some exciting work changes on the horizon. We are blessed to have amazing friends and family. A couple weeks ago, Ben told me I was the best mom in the world, only one centimeter below Mother Mary. Those are very good things.

Last week Max got some burns on his face because I was tired and spaced out in the kitchen. As he was screaming and clutching his eyes, Ben said, "Well I hope he isn't blind." To which  I hissed, "Shut up! That was a stupid thing to say!" We don't say shut up to each other and we don't say stupid. I don't feel good about hissing at my children. Those were not so great things. But I said I was sorry, which I then had to repeat twice, because his cold had his ears plugged up. "Oh, MORE servings of humble pie. Thank you. Yes, I suppose I needed that." And Max's eyes are okay. Thank you Guardian Angel for protecting him!

So, good days and bad days. The sun will shine again.

But I'd like to take a break from writing about feeeeeeeelings and am thinking i'd like to use this space for some accountability in decluttering. Ooooooor it will lay dormant again. Who knows. :)

snap and pops under the toilet seat.

i scribbled this out last night because i just needed to heave it off my chest. it helped a little. if you need to read something cheerier, try mary ellen's or joel's writing. genetically, joel got all the sunshine and i got all the vinegar. 

yep, that happened. tim has actually done it to me before and was successful in scaring me, but this time, i think it was ben. tonight max spotted some leftover snap and pops and after a long day, i said, sure, let's go outside and be distracted for a while. ben really wanted to scare tim when he got home, so he was devising all sorts of methods, one including a catapult. (that boy is like his godfather in so many ways, it's a little frightening.) he settled for the under the door mat suggestion that i offered, but unfortunately, max kept forgetting about them. he went in and out of the house three times, setting them off. his reaction was great each time- not scared but frustrated, but just funny frustrated and not melt down frustrated, which is a small miracle. when tim did come home, they failed to go off, even after several times of me getting him to walk in and out of the house. because i grew up with brothers, not much of life with all guys phases me. but this was definitely one of those moments were i had to roll my eyes.

that little snippet was my way of blowing off steam because life has really been kicking my butt. like, i've tried to put it in words, but the words are worrisome to read and the kind of hard that's impossible to capture in words. life has no good reason to be this hard right now. no one is dying. we have a home, food, safety. but it is. and no matter how much i tell myself it shouldn't be, it is. the level of stress that makes my chest tight and makes me feel like i need to throw up and you joke about so you don't cry, but then sometimes you cry too. i'm an obnoxious over-analyzer. i want to get stuff done, but i feel like i'm trapped in a sloth's body. i'm constantly overwhelmed by my boys. i want time for me, me, me, but know that i need more sleep, but then get lost online until late. or when i do go to bed early, i get woken up by my weirdo kids. this morning at 3:30, it was ben, in our bed (what?! when did he come in) telling me that his fingers felt weird like they were becoming too skinny. because he had been sick with a bad headache and fever, i spent the next 30 minutes worried that he had meningitis. i think it was just his fever breaking. then max came in at 4:30 and ben again at 6. we moved john paul into his own room last week, so although he has been sleeping great, i keep waking up at 5 am- his darling wake up hour when he was in our room, and worrying that he must be dead because he didn't wake up all night, or that he woke up and screamed and screamed and i didn't wake up even though i have a baby monitor right next to me but maybe the frequency got switched and now our bond of trust and protection is forever ruined and and and the crazy rolls on.

i'm beating myself up because we should have moved him a loooonnnnnnnnnnggggggg time ago because he is sleeping GREAT and i could have been sleeping too. i'm beating myself up because ben is sick. beating myself up because the boys have been eating too much toxic gluten. because i'm pretty sure ben is really behind on his math facts and will obviously be a failure at life and i should have made him do flash cards this summer. and he's having a really hard time concentrating, again, i'm sure gluten/food dye/something else that he wants to put in his mouth and i don't want him to and why can't we just live off of air?!

school has been really hard. i spend the hours from wake up until getting john paul down for a nap chasing him, lifting him off the table, taking away markers max left out, all the while fantasizing about a nap. then i get him down and realize that i NEED to catch up on the house. sometimes i do, but just as often i check fb for just one thing and then loose an hour into the black hole of the internet. then i scramble to pick up, or feeling totally frustrated with the mess AND exhausted, crawl into bed for a nap only to have him wake up. repeat chasing. pick up boys from school and feel the crushing exhaustion and the crushing stress of homework, dinner, john paul shrieking because he doesn't want another nap but needs one.

max and ben are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SOOOOOOOOOOOO different. max wants to get his homeword done. gets it done quickly. is annoyed with me for getting distracted by the shrieking and not reading the next problem to him right away. ben is sooooooooooooo distracted and i have to battle to keep him on track. can't we just not eat. or not do homework. or not have the shrieking. ben's solution one day: "i'll just not do my simple solutions (workbooks) and walk my recesses every day. i'm fine with that." sometimes i thank God that he is so laid back to absorb all the things i screw up on as my oldest (math facts!!!!!!!!) and sometimes i just need him to care a little more. and max, thank goodness he is the funny little old man that he is who wears his pants up too high and reminds me that he only has one clean uniform shirt left and is soooo diligent about making sure i sign his behavior sheet right away, but give me a break a little bit. ben went months without wearing a belt in kindergarten because he realized his sweatshirt covered it and no one noticed. max asks me if his shirt needs to be tucked in and if he has to wear a belt with his BLUE jeans. "they have to be blue. not any other color of pants for spirit day." i hope that max's rule following will come in handy in high school and beyond to keep ben out of jail, but right now, i am just so overwhelmed.

i'm thankful for tim's hard work and am so thankful that he has a job that he likes, but i just soo wish he could be home for dinner because ben eats like a fasting tortoise and john paul prefers to eat standing in his high chair and even though he's the scrawniest little guy, he hardly wants to eat either and charmingly uses his "all done" sign long before he should be all done.

i make myself crazy because i say, "no more babies because they make me crazy and i can't handle these guys" but then i have a quite moment with one of them, just the two of us, and i think, "how could we not have more of these wonderful creatures". i try to pray through my days, and i know that my prayers and offerings MUST do some good, but our world just seems like such a bad and broken place in so many ways and i worry about what the future holds. this is all pretty much exactly how i was feeling last september and then i was a very hard winter. because winter: little sunshine, cold, wind, cold, little sunshine.

and then there's our house. oh the house. have i maybe fantasized about my own tiny house where only i get to live? yes.

i feel like we need housekeeper/nanny/cook or maybe just another adult in our household to keep things afloat. sister wife, maybe? there's just too much to research,

the boys and i have been reading a wonderful book about pope pius X. one of the last chapters talks about how he predicted WWI and about how he died of a broken heart, knowing all the suffering that would take place. and talks about the prophesies of malachi. then i read this yesterday,
 "”We are now standing in the face of the greatest historical confrontation humanity has ever experienced. I do not think the wide circle of the American Society , or the wide circle of the Christian Community realize this fully. We are now facing the final confrontation between the Church and the anti-church, between the Gospel and the anti-gospel, between Christ and the antichrist. This confrontation lies with the plans of Divine Providence. It is, therefore, in God’s Plan, and it must be a trial which the Church must take up, and face courageously … We must prepare ourselves to suffer great trials before long, such as will demand of us a disposition to give up even life, and a total dedication to Christ and for Christ. With your and my prayers, it is possible to mitigate the coming tribulation, but it is no longer possible to avert it, because only thus can the Church be effectually renewed. How many times has the renewal of the Church sprung from the shedding of blood? This time, too, it will not be otherwise. We must be strong and prepared and trust in Christ and in his Holy Mother and be very, very assiduous in praying the holy rosary.” -St. John Paul II (+ 2005)  

i just feel like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  i really just feel like i'm going crazy more days than i feel like i'm on top of things. the other night, i knew it had been a long day when i found not one, but two rosaries stuffed in my pockets. i think i kept thinking that if i at least had these sacramentals on me, it had to help. i need to start saying a morning offering every morning. i have one taped on our napkin box that sits on the table, but it's covered in worksheets destined for the recycle bin. oh the worksheets.so, maybe say a prayer for me? and for those darn math facts and that ben gets to feeling better? but mostly, let's pray for our world.

Mary, Queen of Peace, Pray for us.

edited: last night a friend sent me this link. i didn't read it before my rant. maybe i should of. or maybe it was good to get it all out, but now i can keep reminding myself, "begin again". 

potato salad and blogging

tonight, in preparation for our big family 4th party tomorrow, i made a huge potato salad. i've never made one before-it seemed intimidating. so many different kinds/styles to choose from. and they always seemed like a lot of work. as i made it, i felt that, "well now i'm definitely a grown up" feeling that i feel sometimes about the oddest things. i think maybe i've talked about that before. well, it was a lot of work, although it also made a LOT of food, which is good for our big family.

as i worked in the kitchen with some great music going, i thought of several things i wanted to write about. and then it hit me- it has been so long since i've written, i've almost completely stopped writing blog posts in my head or developing ideas as i go about my days. the few that i have, i usually joke about with a friend, and i suppose that is enough of a release to let the idea go. i used to think of ideas all the time, scribbling them on scraps of paper or on the chalkboard wall. when i cleaned off my "desk" several months ago, i found a whole pile of ideas. i think i even started using a notebook one time. i read several really great short stories that a friend had written, and was really motivated to write, but then i think johnny got a tooth/stopped sleeping or some other life happens thing. writing is a lot of work and i am slow at it. i have also thought about pulling drafts out of the archives and just posting them as is with maybe a little back story or quick summation. i don't know.

but tonight, i wanted to write. the potato salad tucked in the fridge, i turned off the music, split a cheap, watery, delicious beer with tim and sat down. the bugs and the pops out the window on this unusually cool july night are too good not to enjoy just a little bit. instead of checking facebook first like i always do, and getting distracted and never making it over here, i ignored those 6 notifications and messages. i just came hear and typed, without thinking too much about it. then i went and stole the other half of the beer from tim.

all together now

because of timmy's work schedule, we rarely get to eat dinner together, except for his days off. man i miss him at dinner. i always took that major luxury for granted because growing up, we always ate dinner together as a family, and with tim's first couple jobs, or at least by the time we'd had ben, he was always home for dinner. and my boys eat sooooooooo dang slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. like, i can nurse the baby, feed the baby non milk food, eat my own dinner, and clean up the kitchen, and they're still not done eating. there is a lot of coaching/reminding to eat your dinner. i usually try to stay at the table with them, because if i get up, they get up.

but tonight we were all together. john paul was in a good mood in his high chair, happily gobbling bites of avocado and smiling at the silliness of his family. i mostly sat back and watched it all.

the boys were telling jokes. oh, the joke telling. i think this a normal stage of kid development, but they're very much in the phase of telling jokes that rarely make sense and then laughing hysterically at each other (or themselves), only reinforcing their poor joke telling.

tim has this amusing-because-it's-so-bad habit of making up jokes that he formulates out loud, making the punchline either really obvious because you've heard the whole thought process or totally mind boggling that that's the punchline after all the puzzling and confusion. tonight it was, as i said, after much formulation, "what do you call a sleepy man who has eaten a spicy steak?....... a flamin' yawn." but to get to that punchline.... oh how i love that man. he also has a real gem about a "meanderin' orange".

this "joke" set max off on a whole series of joke/riddles. "what do you call a clock that doesn't tick?" ben figured him out from the start, " a tickless clock". "a barkless dog". "a bounceless ball". to which each time, max marveled, "man ben, you are so smart." with tim present to exchange amused looks, what would normally be kind of annoying after the 5th "joke" is endearing and cute.

tim then offered, "what do you call a girl turtle?........... shelly. " ben countered, "what do you call a female triceratops?................ HORNY!" tim and i both laughed heartily. then he said, "or hornTy if you want."

laughing at kids jokes is a dangerous thing. i often genuinely laugh at the completely nonsensical ones because they catch me off guard, but then that makes them think they make sense and they follow the same miscalculated joke equation over and over again, wondering why they are no longer garnering laughs.

i love my guys. i love them all so much easier when we are all together.

yah, i know this is pretty choppy, but you get what you get and.... i'm tryin'.

on writing

tonight, i originally started a post titled, "THAT kind of mood". i kept writing and erasing. this paragraph is as far as i got.

today was rough. i still feel, some days, like, "oh yah! *this* is what life with a baby was like." but not all days are this hard. i try to remind myself this. i try to offer my frustrations and annoyances up for people who are struggling with much bigger, heavier things. i keep my guardian angel busy finishing Hail Marys because i often get distracted after the first couple words or am too tired to finish them. i often fail. exhaustion colors my world dark very quickly.

i want to write here. i like to tell stories. i like to make people laugh. and sometimes it's a good outlet for my frustrations. or to hash out the rolling arounds of my brain. but man. to find that sweet spot of time and energy. so elusive. and like i said in that attempted post, exhaustion colors my world dark very quickly, so i'm trying to ween myself of computer late nights.

i always feel a little bit of relief when i find a blog that just drops off into time and no where. a few that i follow(ed) have closed up shop, even letting go of sponsors, because they needed to direct their energy elsewhere.

so i ask, when do you write? all at once, or in bits and pieces?

asian lady beetle maze

i need to dust off these cob webs. i feel stagnant and uncreative and as much as i keep telling myself, "instead of spending time on the computer, i should work on projects in the evening" but then i waste two hours TWO HOURS on the computer with nothing creative to show for it and a heart full of envy. blah.

tonight, as i tried to settle johnny (yes, we call him johnny. but when he's being manly or professional, we call him john p. peppercorn among many other ridiculous things) in for the seventh time, i laid down in our bed to nurse him. with the glow of the night light behind me, i started to make shadow puppets on the wall and ceiling to entertain myself, as i often do. you'd think i'd be good at shadow puppets by now, but i'm not.

then i noticed an asian lady beetle on the ceiling, trying to navigate the maze that is popcorn ceiling texture. this too amused me. after a lot of slow travel, it seemed to say, "eff this!" and flew to the wall.

the other day, when the sun was gloriously shining, i put a blanket down for the babe and i to rest on. max walked around doing max things, stopping every few minutes to ask if something was on his back. the south side of our house/our sunning spot was covered in the beetles, which max named "bare lady bugs". but until he explained his reasoning for the name, i thought "bear" lady bugs. that max, he says interesting things.

so, as you can see, my life is wild and crazy these days.

insert pictures of shadow puppets and happy sunny things.

johnny all clean

i don't want to spend forever perfecting this post, i just want to get my thoughts down so i don't forget a very good night.

last saturday evening, my little john paul was finally baptized!!! it drove me crazy to wait so long to get him all cleaned up, but it was nice to get to celebrate with our family in a way that we wouldn't have if we had done it sooner. because...

on satuday night, we also had a surprise anniversary party for my parents. we had the gathering at st. anthony's in garden plain, and began the evening with the regularly scheduled evening mass. the pastor, fr. sam pinkerton, an old friend of our family, let my cousin, fr. chad, who was there to do a special blessing for my parents afterwards and also to baptize my bug, read the gospel and preached the homily.

let me set the scene: st. anthony's is a beautiful, traditional style church with elaborate stained glass, statues, stations of the cross, painting embellishments-beautiful and lots to look at. we sat in the row with tim's parents and the boys were down by them, too far from me to feel like i needed to watch. when i glanced down at them, they were snuggled up to grandma or gazing around at all the new sights of the church. (our church is pretty plain.) tim was next to me and snuggling john paul and soaking up all the baby goodness he could from our sleeping boy. when i looked around the church, i could see family and dear family friends mixed in with the regular congregation, there to celebrate my parents. so much beauty. my heart was full.

and then fr. chad read the gospel-Christ gives us the Our Father, and had a homily that i felt couldn't possibly have been a better fit for the day of john paul's baptism. it was such a gift to hear fr. preach. i've heard him give talks and say daily mass, but i can't remember any other time i've had the pleasure of hearing him preach, and let me say, the man can preach. (i'm not biased one bit.) nothing he said was anything we hadn't heard before, in fact, he talked about pretty simple concepts: trust, prayer as a conversation with God, perseverance, but in that setting, with those people, and the way he preached it, i was so filled.

in the Our Father, i struggle with the "give us this day our daily bread" part. can't i pray, "yearly bread" or "lifetime bread"? trusting in God providence each day is simple and difficult. i know He loves us and watches over us, but i like things to be easy and just want a smooth path laid out for me.

trust in God's plan for us. he talked about his mother's hobby of cross-stitch. each stitch is planned and precise. as a kid, laying on the floor playing or watching tv, he would look up at his mom working on a project, and from underneath, the project was a mess of threads. from her perspective, looking down at her work, it was making a beautiful tapestry. so many times in the last several years, our life seemed like a big mess but i desperately hoped God had a bigger picture he was working on.

perseverance. we have to keep taking our prayers to God, knowing that he always hears them, but as a good parent, answers them in his time and not always in the way we want.

the last several years, as tim started his new career and we struggled in so, so many many, my nightly prayer with the boys, among other intentions, was, "for wisdom for mommy and daddy to make good decisions for our family". was this the right job for tim and our family? were we making the right financial decisions? when should we try to add another child to our family? every night i prayed and for so long, it seemed like we weren't getting anywhere. but slowly, the boys got a little easier, tim's schedule became more manageable, we felt like we were making progress, and all of a sudden, we were both on the same page about another baby.

and we were blessed with one.

then more trusting. i have never considered myself a worrier, but with this pregnancy, it seemed like more than any other time in my life, i realized just how very NOT in control we are of our lives no matter how much we try to be in control. regardless of all of my best efforts, i couldn't guarantee a healthy baby or healthy me. for those first three months, on one side of my chalk board wall in the kitchen i had written "all will be well" and on the other side, "every little thing is going to be okay".

for the last year, on and off, i had been reading sheldon vanauken's A Severe Mercy. i never read books in starts and stops, but for some reason, with that book, even though i really liked it, i would read it for a bit, and it would really speak to me, then i would put it down for a while. i don't want to ruin the book because it's a good one and if you haven't read it, you should, but right when i was first pregnant, i got to a part where a character was contemplating mortality and realizing that with Heaven as our goal and hopeful destination, no matter what happens on earth, "all will be most well." so i repeated that to myself often.

with obama's re-election and so much uncertainty is our country and world, i often thought about what the future will look like for our children. i tried to reassure myself with Blessed John Paul II's simple words, "Be not afraid." so much we can't control. so much we really just have to turn over to God.

so on the night that my little one was to begin his sacramental life in the Church, it was so beautiful that fr. spoke of the things that i, whether i wanted to or not, had to work on during my pregnancy and will always have to work on.

after mass, we surprised my parents and oh were they surprised. they've always said that they didn't want a party and several (or most) of us kids didn't think it was a good idea, but i'm so thankful one dear, bold, sibling pushed on. the slide show one brother prepared and the toast that another one gave really made us all stop and think about the accomplishments of their 45 years together in a way that we wouldn't have other wise with all the busyness of our own lives and little families. to celebrate them and their perseverance. their trust. and all the fruit that it brought forth. eight children. seven marriages. 26 grandchildren on earth and more in heaven. that's a lot to celebrate.

i told tim at the end of the night that i wish i could have had a pause button to stop it all and soak up every last bit of all of the wonderfulness. but life keeps thundering on. so as the last scent of chrism wore off johnny's head today, i wanted to pause here and try, in a very, very small way to capture the beauty of his and our family's night.

a night in the life of tim and mary

i was going to just write this in my journal, because these are the things i don't want to forget, but decided to write it here in case it amused anyone else.

tonight i was outside watching the gorgeous lightening storm after sunset when tim pulled into the driveway. he walked over to me and after chatting a bit, he told me how much i had scared him when he pulled up.

t: "i was rockin' out to my music, pull up, watching the lightening, and then i see you with your back turned to me. i was terrified you were going to [tim imitates a zombie slowly turning around and staggering towards his car]."

m: "thanks for not shooting me in the head."

t: "oh man, mare. don't become a zombie. i'd hate to have to shoot you. actually, as scary as you are in real life, it probably wouldn't be so hard. you'd be terrifying!"

oddly, i took that as a compliment, but still had to pinch him.

tim's really good at doing voices, so he then made me laugh hysterically as he narrated the storm in a voice that would be inappropriate for me to try to describe.

and now, while i'm writing, he's scanning netflix for a movie to watch. one of his suggested categories, based on his past viewings, is "dark suspenseful foreign revenge movies". we rarely watch movies together.

a prayer

as i snuggle my beautiful new boy, i sometimes start to feel guilt about my blessings. two wild and handsome big boys, and now this new little one. three sons. why do i get these blessings when others so desperately want even one child? or more children.

i used to be so overwhelmed by guilt over my blessings. we live in a world where a lot of bad things happen to innocent people. i can't even hardly listen to NPR anymore-the world news makes me cry. one day while i was talking to my mom about this, she reminded me that, when we pray the morning offering, we offer to God our "prayers, works, joys, and sufferings".

i acknowledge that i am completely unworthy of these gifts. i thank God for all that He has blessed us with. and when those feelings of guilt start to creep in, i offer up my joys and say a prayer.

a million different things

i've been thinking about this space a lot lately. i so wish i could buckle down and spend more time here, but it's hard to sort out the many, many things in my head. and the time that i have to write-after the boys go to bed- is such precious time. when i used to write more, i spent less time with tim (although he was usually still at work so it wasn't an option), slept less, and had a messier house. i like having a tidier house, sleep is quite helpful to maintaining my sanity, and it sure is nice to chat with my husband before the 11pm hour. and i'm a slow writer. even silly posts that are pretty stream of conscience take me a bit to churn out. but i love having this written relic of the past to look back on as our life changes so much over time, all while it seems like it's not changing at all. *insert magic wand waving here!!!*

things that i would like to write about:

-this pregnancy. oh the lessons i've learned. or at least tried desperately to learn but will probably be working on for my whole life. all will be most well. every little thing is going to be okay. be not afraid. courage.
providence. the boys' excitement. the wild belly shows. baby names. tim's excitement and junebug kicking him in the head to predict/declare his/her gender. so many blessings and struggles.

- my big boys. how they've become such great (for the most part) playmates in the last six months. how they call each other bro. their strengths and struggles. ben's first year of school. the emergence of max's solo personality.

- my work. my thoughts on being a working momma, finally being done, and all those feelings. our schedule over the last couple years so i don't forget how full and sometimes crazy it was.

- projects. all the things that i've done during this pregnancy-although none are super stunning before and after reveals. but the little things i'm proud of, like learning how to replace an electrical outlet and light switch. the car saga. projects i still hope to tackle.

brain dump over. not really worth publishing, but oh well.

a boring recipe post to dust off the cobwebs

 i've been wanting to post for...oh....months now, but life keeps happening. and although i enjoy writing and sharing in this space, well, i'll just skip the annoying reasons that don't mean much to you and get on with the recipe.

i made this soup for some friends and they asked for the recipe. instead of typing it out and emailing it to them, i thought this might be a better way to share it with a few more of you who might enjoy it.

Chicken Curry Soup
 (boring title. maybe max's commentary on it might make for a better title: "It looks gross but tastes good Soup")

Procure:
3 onions chopped
4 T. minced garlic (several cloves? i usually use the jarred stuff. yes, i'm a heathen.)
1 stick butter
4 T. curry powder
1 t. cumin
4 c. chicken stock
3 c. half and half
4 c. chicken
4 c. cooked rice (i used brown)
1 heaping T salt
1/4 c. *gasp* sugar

Do:
-In the large pot that you will cook your soup in, so as to only dirty one pot, saute onions and garlic in butter. Once tender, add spices. I added the cumin because the soups seems to be lacking a little bit of depth that more curry wouldn't fulfill, but if you figure out what is missing, please do tell. I'm not very experienced in curry, cumin, turmeric genre of spices. 
-Add stock and half and half to onion/garlic/spice mixture and heat until hot but not boiling. Finally add chicken, rice, sugar, and salt. I have issues with adding deadly, horrible white sugar to a main dish, but I did it. I dare someone to try honey or stevia and report back.

Eat. and hopefully, enjoy.

I get horribly anxious sharing recipes because i'm paranoid i'll have a typo on the ingredient list or amount and i'll poison you and your family, or worse, ruin dinner and all your hard work. and i can't follow a recipe to save my life. so, consider yourself warned.

the end.

it's not you. it's me.

i feel like i've kind of dropped off the face of the earth. i feel bad that there are friends who say, "we should get the kids together sometime" or that i haven't seen or talked to in too long, but that, if i'm being honest with myself, or more fairly, them, i should just admit, it's not going to happen.

i don't want to play the, "oh we're soooo busy!" card. it's lame. most people are busy these days. you either make time or you don't. and really, we're not super busy. i hate being too busy and the idea of it always stresses me out. if anything, it's because i'm becoming more aware of how much i hate to feel too busy. i'm tired most days anyways and i'm to the point where i've realized that cramming things in and trying to make room for everything and everyone makes me miserable. although there are chunks of time in most of my days that are "free", the necessary tasks that surround them must have the priority of my attention and energy.

yesterday i felt guilty because tim was off work and i stayed home and did laundry all day and puttered around the house. i could have put in an extra day at work, visited some neglected friends/family, caught up on some errands, etc. but i just stayed home. i wore my pajamas all day and wasn't busy at all. but really, i got a lot done. all the laundry, tidied the house, worked on some organization, made a nice meal (and cleaned up afterwards!), and watched an episode of downton with my love.

so it's not that we're too busy and absolutely can't fit another thing in. or that i don't like you and don't want to spend time with you. my life is just as full as i can handle right now. between family, work, school and other obligations, life is full. i wish that i could substitute you in for some of those other things, but right now, i just can't. i know that lots of other people and families are so much better at making time for so much more. i marvel at their energy and organization. but i'm just not them, as much as i wish i could be sometimes. well, i used to wish i could be that. i'm trying to be honest with myself about who i am and can be. not lazy, and striving to be and do better, but accepting who i am- a tired little hermit.

if your feelings have been hurt because you think i'm brushing you off, i'm so sorry. it's certainly not you. we are blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. i think about you often and try to remember you in my prayers.

OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

back in middle school, a friend and i often quoted the following scene from the movie "dumb and dumber", adapting it to whatever middle school stress we were experiencing. "i forgot my lunch! i didn't understand our math homework last night! OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"



while i didn't really care for the movie as a whole, i found this scene so comical in it's pathetic-ness. the way jim carrey falls to the floor when he comes in the door. harry's totally disheveled appearance. the extreme melodrama of it is so great, because, well, sometimes i'm a little dramatic.


and as i sit and ponder tim and i's life, as today is our anniversary, that quote and scene sums things up pretty well for us. i'm joking of course, kind of, but we have had a pretty wild last couple of months and i have taken to sometimes whining and sometimes raving that line when i'm feeling particularly overwhelmed.

i feel like we're still trying to find our footing after the "everyone got sick and both of our cars broke and had to be replaced in a week" circus that was the end of november. then the busyness of the holidays. then continued car issues. and work and life and our pets' heads falling off.

but we're in this crazy adventure together. sometimes tim's harry and i'm lloyd, sometimes i'm harry, in mannerisms and appearance. i would say  here's to hoping this next year of marriage is quiet and peaceful and uneventful, but considering "give birth" is tentatively penciled in on the june calendar, i don't think that's going to happen.

cheers to our little circus and another year!

dispatch from the troll cave

lately, i feel like we've been dealing with one cluster cuss after another. in these situations, i want to scream, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT DECISION IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A GROWN-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well, actually, if i'm being honest, there are some colorful descriptors scattered in there.

in my mind there's a big difference between adults and grown-ups. i'm okay with being an adult, maybe, but i don't feel like i'm capable of being a grown-up until i reach at least age 43. so just back the bleep off universe.

adults work and pay bills and maybe even have a few kids, but grown-ups make investment decisions, major career decisions, health insurance, emergency, disaster, ohmyflipwhatamisupposedtodo DECISIONS. so basically, grown ups make decisions. i hate making decisions.

yes, i broke my blog silence for that bit of brilliance.

how about you? do you feel like an adult or a grown-up? are they the same thing to you? what makes you curl up into a ball, throw a two-year-old style meltdown tantrum, or start cursing and wanting to break things to relieve stress? not that i would do any of those things in the face of major adversity. or a decision that needs to be made.

it was a good day

when tim used to get home and ask me how my day was, on my most charitable days, usually the best i could muster was, "we're all still alive." on the tough days, i would systematically explain exactly how and why our sons were making me crazy and beg him to find a new job. preferably one he could take two young children with him to. tim's a jerk and he never did find that totally realistic job, but thankfully our boys have grown up a little bit and my answers are usually either, "tiring" or, "actually, it was a pretty good day." i think i've even admitted to having a few great days. here's another one for the scrapbook, minus pictures, which are the best part of a scrapbook, but just take so dang long to input, upload....

-the three cousins were here this morning, as they are most mondays and fridays. max actually spends four mornings a week with those crazies, the other two at their house, and he loves his time with them and his aunt. it's been fun watching the play dynamics change over the last year and a half that i've babysat them, adding in the baby and taking out ben when he started school. i especially enjoy my time with the little lion. i feel bad because i know he gives his momma a hard time, but he is the best babe in the universe for me. it's novel to wear a baby again and it's much easier to be patient with squirmy diaper changes and messy, grabby feedings when it's only a couple times a week. little lion, you make mornings great!

-today my dad came by to stay with the kids while i ran up to school to pick up ben from early dismissal. hearing him, who is a pretty serious guy, be silly and wild with the kids makes my heart smile. i wish i would have stopped what i was doing in the kitchen to go upstairs and take a video of their fun. these days won't last forever.

-last week i was so frustrated in adoration that the boys had gotten wild yet again that i set a reminder on my phone to make an activity bag for them and then, miraculously, i actually did it right away when the reminder went off. i know this is parenting 101 stuff. but i'm forgetful and we're always rushing out the door to adoration and sometimes i would remember to grab something for them, but most days they were stuck with the same old books that have been there for a year and a half. they both spent the whole hour peacefully and QUIETLY working on things. max pushes the kneelers together to make his library, where he pretends to stamp the front cover of a huge stack of magnificat mags he lugs over from the bookshelf. it's pretty cute and it keeps him happy. i hope Jesus is entertained.

-i got a nap! i've tried to let go of my guilt over letting them watch sesame street or a movie while i go to my room and rest. not really tv watching guilt, but unsupervised children guilt. usually i get interrupted because max always poops while i'm resting and needs eighteen snacks, but a little rest is better than no rest. being on duty 24/7 was the hardest part of the last couple years and it's so good for my spirit to have a little alone time. i was always so jealous of people who have four year olds who still nap, but this is a good enough second best.

-we went to my parents' house this afternoon and most of the way there and all the way home, ben sang the Lamb of God, over and over. talent wise, ben is no all-star vocalist, but it makes me happy. happy that he gets to go to mass at school and happy that he has a "heart on fire with love for God". max of course had to ask what sin was. max asks a lot of questions about unpleasant things like Satan and bad angels and bad guys. he asks a lot of questions in general, so it's lot like he's just focusing on bad things, but he definitely has to get everything sorted out in his brain, which means he exhausts most subjects, and his mother, before he can move on. we also talked about nero, who we unanimously don't like, Christians, good soldiers, bad soldiers, and war. oy! how 'bout some sesame street talk?!

-time with my parents. i really need to take video of the boys with my parents. we spend so much time over at their house that it doesn't seem like anything special. but i know that it is and i always remind the boys that they are very blessed to be surrounded by so much love. it's hard to think about, but i know my parents won't always be around, and i want the boys to have a record of the pretty idyllic world they got to grow up in.

-max fell asleep on the way home, so i got to spend bedtime with just ben. it's always nice to have some one-on-one time. ben read the first word that i've heard him sound out: bad. he's pretty much a child genius! it seems silly to get so excited about him reading one word, especially since most of his cousins and close friends his age have been reading for a while now, but he has had very little interest in learning to read when i've offered to work with him, so i had to put my pride aside and wait for school to do it's thing. i was in the other room, getting a drink before i came in to read to him and i heard him, "b-aaaaaaa-d. bad. bad!" on the cover of "it's a bad day". when i asked him how he did it, he said, "i sounded out the letters slowly, then i made the sounds come together fast." ben loves his teacher so much and i'm so thankful she is so patient and kind. after i said our decade of the rosary, we prayed the guardian angel prayer together, his new thing, and then he wanted to sing the "Lamb of God" with him. happy momma heart for sure!

enough mushy mushy. i'll try to whine a little the next time.

cute things i want to remember

occasionally my boys say cute things that i would like to remember. i wish i was better about writing them down, and i sometimes find odd scraps of paper floating around the house that i've scribbled something funny down on, like the night that we mapped out the plan for the band we would form, but mostly i'm just a lousy family historian. so here goes.

for the last several months, max has been really set on the idea of being "an ambulance person" when he grows up. he must think about this a lot because he will randomly ask me questions about the logistics of being an ambulance person. "where do i buy my ambulance, mom?" i explained the process of school and hiring to him and he seemed thrilled that someone would pay him for his services. tonight as we were driving home, just the two of us, completely out of the blue, he asked, "can ambulance guys get married, mom?" when i answer his questions, his response is usually, "so...okay." and i can literally here the wheels turning in his noggin, processing the new information.

ben's current future occupation is an astronaut. every night he prays for, "all the people on earth and all the people in the space station." for about a day max was willing to join him in space, but he has now gone back to ambulance person.

the other night they were talking about how when they are grown men, working at their respective jobs, they are still going to live in our house. call me a crazy little ol' italian momma, but i don't think that is such a terrible idea : )

people often ask if the boys are twins. other than ben being taller, which is hard to tell when they are constantly swirling and jumping, i guess i can understand why.

i call max "max mouse" because when he's really excited about something, he squeaks. it's pretty cute. and he really likes cheese. and he's much quieter than his older brother. i like the mouse a lot.

i used to call max "charlie puppy" when he was 2 1/2ish because when i'd call him charlie he'd morph into a puppy who was mostly cute and sweet and much better behaved and compliant than max.

tonight at dinner, a well balanced meal of dillon's chinese, ben's fortune was, "struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in." ben's quick and enthusiastic response was, " I BELIEVE IN GOD!" he frequently tells me that he has a heart on fire with love for God. such responsibility to help form these mighty souls i've been entrusted with.

after prayers when we were having our snuggle, squished in max's twin sized bottom bunk, max asked, "does God make super heroes?" i put on my preachy mom hat and explained that God doesn't make guys with x-ray vision or guys that turn green and muscly when angry but he does give each of us special gifts and talents that we can use to be super heroes to other people, like super kindness or super helpfulness. being a little bored by my own answer, i decided to add, "or sometimes if a person has really stinky toots, they have super stink powers." spurred by their eruption of giggles, i fought my uptight tendencies to suppress their giggles and hurry them to sleep, and continued, " and when max makes up in the morning, he has super grump powers." this went on for a bit and i tried to soak up that glorious little slice of time.

the boys are both at pretty decent ages. ben is off at school for most of the time and honestly, it's a relief having mr. needs-constant-activity-and-stimulation not always asking, "what are we going to do now?" max plays pretty well with his cousins that he spends most mornings of the week with, but also plays really well by himself. his fits are MUCH more manageable and don't escalate to anywhere near the levels they used to. tim and i have finally decided to keep them. for now.

scrapbook closed.

crazytown journal

several friends have started doing the journal thing blog posts. i like these, but just can't bring myself to conform. so instead, i give you this series of events, which i found to be pretty comical.

after working on a few things on the computer tonight, i got up, complaining to tim that i feel like i have a million little and some big things that i need to get done. as soon as i stopped talking, an alarm went off on my phone reminding me i needed to pay bills tonight. blurg. add that to my list.

when i went to check on ben, who has a slight fever, i found that max had fallen asleep in his toy box at the end of his bed, sitting upright. at first i thought he had been woken up from the storm or had gotten up to go to the bathroom and scampered back to his room when he heard me coming. but nope. he was tanked out and i'm pretty sure he had been sitting there/sleeping for an hour and a half.

after doing several other jobs, i sat down to pay bills and eat a piece of pie/turnover that i baked up from the leftover dough and apples from max's pie on sunday. can't let it go to waste. upon taking my first bite of pie, another alarm went off on my phone-one i have set that goes off every night at 10:15 with the message that reads, "go to bed or you will hate yourself tomorrow". i never do go to bed right away, but to be caught eating dessert at my self-imposed bed time really seemed to highlight my poor decision making.

the first letter i opened was a very crisp piece of paper and when i pulled it out, it whipped up and hit me in the eye. for a solid minute i clamped my eye shut, visualizing an eye ball sliced in half. i'm still not sure if my vision is blury and if it is, if it's from exhaustion or that malicious paper. what was the bill? health insurance of course. tim brilliantly suggested i go look in the bathroom mirror. my response, "i'd rather just eat my pie."

oh, and while i had my eye squeezed closed and was envisioning my blind future, it started hailing.

fearing the task of replacing the roof again, i asked tim to join me in prayer. after we made the sign of the cross, i hesitated for a bit, distracted by my eye. tim started up without me, "bless us oh lord and....". after we prayed, not over our food but for the protection of our home, he admitted that maybe he was in fact a bit tired and should go to bed.

instead of finishing the few jobs i have left for the day, i wrote this comedy of errors out instead. and tim just came and informed me that i'll have to leave an hour early for work because i have to take the boys to his mom's house since he has to report to court for jury duty.

i'm gonna put a big ol' A++ stamp on tonight : )

oh man, i can't even make this level of weird up! before i could hit publish, i heard max fall out of his bed and had to go tend to him. he's fine. he didn't even wake up. and now i'm eating more turnover.