lately, i feel like we've been dealing with one cluster cuss after another. in these situations, i want to scream, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT DECISION IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A GROWN-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well, actually, if i'm being honest, there are some colorful descriptors scattered in there.
in my mind there's a big difference between adults and grown-ups. i'm okay with being an adult, maybe, but i don't feel like i'm capable of being a grown-up until i reach at least age 43. so just back the bleep off universe.
adults work and pay bills and maybe even have a few kids, but grown-ups make investment decisions, major career decisions, health insurance, emergency, disaster, ohmyflipwhatamisupposedtodo DECISIONS. so basically, grown ups make decisions. i hate making decisions.
yes, i broke my blog silence for that bit of brilliance.
how about you? do you feel like an adult or a grown-up? are they the same thing to you? what makes you curl up into a ball, throw a two-year-old style meltdown tantrum, or start cursing and wanting to break things to relieve stress? not that i would do any of those things in the face of major adversity. or a decision that needs to be made.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
it was a good day
when tim used to get home and ask me how my day was, on my most charitable days, usually the best i could muster was, "we're all still alive." on the tough days, i would systematically explain exactly how and why our sons were making me crazy and beg him to find a new job. preferably one he could take two young children with him to. tim's a jerk and he never did find that totally realistic job, but thankfully our boys have grown up a little bit and my answers are usually either, "tiring" or, "actually, it was a pretty good day." i think i've even admitted to having a few great days. here's another one for the scrapbook, minus pictures, which are the best part of a scrapbook, but just take so dang long to input, upload....
-the three cousins were here this morning, as they are most mondays and fridays. max actually spends four mornings a week with those crazies, the other two at their house, and he loves his time with them and his aunt. it's been fun watching the play dynamics change over the last year and a half that i've babysat them, adding in the baby and taking out ben when he started school. i especially enjoy my time with the little lion. i feel bad because i know he gives his momma a hard time, but he is the best babe in the universe for me. it's novel to wear a baby again and it's much easier to be patient with squirmy diaper changes and messy, grabby feedings when it's only a couple times a week. little lion, you make mornings great!
-today my dad came by to stay with the kids while i ran up to school to pick up ben from early dismissal. hearing him, who is a pretty serious guy, be silly and wild with the kids makes my heart smile. i wish i would have stopped what i was doing in the kitchen to go upstairs and take a video of their fun. these days won't last forever.
-last week i was so frustrated in adoration that the boys had gotten wild yet again that i set a reminder on my phone to make an activity bag for them and then, miraculously, i actually did it right away when the reminder went off. i know this is parenting 101 stuff. but i'm forgetful and we're always rushing out the door to adoration and sometimes i would remember to grab something for them, but most days they were stuck with the same old books that have been there for a year and a half. they both spent the whole hour peacefully and QUIETLY working on things. max pushes the kneelers together to make his library, where he pretends to stamp the front cover of a huge stack of magnificat mags he lugs over from the bookshelf. it's pretty cute and it keeps him happy. i hope Jesus is entertained.
-i got a nap! i've tried to let go of my guilt over letting them watch sesame street or a movie while i go to my room and rest. not really tv watching guilt, but unsupervised children guilt. usually i get interrupted because max always poops while i'm resting and needs eighteen snacks, but a little rest is better than no rest. being on duty 24/7 was the hardest part of the last couple years and it's so good for my spirit to have a little alone time. i was always so jealous of people who have four year olds who still nap, but this is a good enough second best.
-we went to my parents' house this afternoon and most of the way there and all the way home, ben sang the Lamb of God, over and over. talent wise, ben is no all-star vocalist, but it makes me happy. happy that he gets to go to mass at school and happy that he has a "heart on fire with love for God". max of course had to ask what sin was. max asks a lot of questions about unpleasant things like Satan and bad angels and bad guys. he asks a lot of questions in general, so it's lot like he's just focusing on bad things, but he definitely has to get everything sorted out in his brain, which means he exhausts most subjects, and his mother, before he can move on. we also talked about nero, who we unanimously don't like, Christians, good soldiers, bad soldiers, and war. oy! how 'bout some sesame street talk?!
-time with my parents. i really need to take video of the boys with my parents. we spend so much time over at their house that it doesn't seem like anything special. but i know that it is and i always remind the boys that they are very blessed to be surrounded by so much love. it's hard to think about, but i know my parents won't always be around, and i want the boys to have a record of the pretty idyllic world they got to grow up in.
-max fell asleep on the way home, so i got to spend bedtime with just ben. it's always nice to have some one-on-one time. ben read the first word that i've heard him sound out: bad. he's pretty much a child genius! it seems silly to get so excited about him reading one word, especially since most of his cousins and close friends his age have been reading for a while now, but he has had very little interest in learning to read when i've offered to work with him, so i had to put my pride aside and wait for school to do it's thing. i was in the other room, getting a drink before i came in to read to him and i heard him, "b-aaaaaaa-d. bad. bad!" on the cover of "it's a bad day". when i asked him how he did it, he said, "i sounded out the letters slowly, then i made the sounds come together fast." ben loves his teacher so much and i'm so thankful she is so patient and kind. after i said our decade of the rosary, we prayed the guardian angel prayer together, his new thing, and then he wanted to sing the "Lamb of God" with him. happy momma heart for sure!
enough mushy mushy. i'll try to whine a little the next time.
-the three cousins were here this morning, as they are most mondays and fridays. max actually spends four mornings a week with those crazies, the other two at their house, and he loves his time with them and his aunt. it's been fun watching the play dynamics change over the last year and a half that i've babysat them, adding in the baby and taking out ben when he started school. i especially enjoy my time with the little lion. i feel bad because i know he gives his momma a hard time, but he is the best babe in the universe for me. it's novel to wear a baby again and it's much easier to be patient with squirmy diaper changes and messy, grabby feedings when it's only a couple times a week. little lion, you make mornings great!
-today my dad came by to stay with the kids while i ran up to school to pick up ben from early dismissal. hearing him, who is a pretty serious guy, be silly and wild with the kids makes my heart smile. i wish i would have stopped what i was doing in the kitchen to go upstairs and take a video of their fun. these days won't last forever.
-last week i was so frustrated in adoration that the boys had gotten wild yet again that i set a reminder on my phone to make an activity bag for them and then, miraculously, i actually did it right away when the reminder went off. i know this is parenting 101 stuff. but i'm forgetful and we're always rushing out the door to adoration and sometimes i would remember to grab something for them, but most days they were stuck with the same old books that have been there for a year and a half. they both spent the whole hour peacefully and QUIETLY working on things. max pushes the kneelers together to make his library, where he pretends to stamp the front cover of a huge stack of magnificat mags he lugs over from the bookshelf. it's pretty cute and it keeps him happy. i hope Jesus is entertained.
-i got a nap! i've tried to let go of my guilt over letting them watch sesame street or a movie while i go to my room and rest. not really tv watching guilt, but unsupervised children guilt. usually i get interrupted because max always poops while i'm resting and needs eighteen snacks, but a little rest is better than no rest. being on duty 24/7 was the hardest part of the last couple years and it's so good for my spirit to have a little alone time. i was always so jealous of people who have four year olds who still nap, but this is a good enough second best.
-we went to my parents' house this afternoon and most of the way there and all the way home, ben sang the Lamb of God, over and over. talent wise, ben is no all-star vocalist, but it makes me happy. happy that he gets to go to mass at school and happy that he has a "heart on fire with love for God". max of course had to ask what sin was. max asks a lot of questions about unpleasant things like Satan and bad angels and bad guys. he asks a lot of questions in general, so it's lot like he's just focusing on bad things, but he definitely has to get everything sorted out in his brain, which means he exhausts most subjects, and his mother, before he can move on. we also talked about nero, who we unanimously don't like, Christians, good soldiers, bad soldiers, and war. oy! how 'bout some sesame street talk?!
-time with my parents. i really need to take video of the boys with my parents. we spend so much time over at their house that it doesn't seem like anything special. but i know that it is and i always remind the boys that they are very blessed to be surrounded by so much love. it's hard to think about, but i know my parents won't always be around, and i want the boys to have a record of the pretty idyllic world they got to grow up in.
-max fell asleep on the way home, so i got to spend bedtime with just ben. it's always nice to have some one-on-one time. ben read the first word that i've heard him sound out: bad. he's pretty much a child genius! it seems silly to get so excited about him reading one word, especially since most of his cousins and close friends his age have been reading for a while now, but he has had very little interest in learning to read when i've offered to work with him, so i had to put my pride aside and wait for school to do it's thing. i was in the other room, getting a drink before i came in to read to him and i heard him, "b-aaaaaaa-d. bad. bad!" on the cover of "it's a bad day". when i asked him how he did it, he said, "i sounded out the letters slowly, then i made the sounds come together fast." ben loves his teacher so much and i'm so thankful she is so patient and kind. after i said our decade of the rosary, we prayed the guardian angel prayer together, his new thing, and then he wanted to sing the "Lamb of God" with him. happy momma heart for sure!
enough mushy mushy. i'll try to whine a little the next time.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
cute things i want to remember
occasionally my boys say cute things that i would like to remember. i wish i was better about writing them down, and i sometimes find odd scraps of paper floating around the house that i've scribbled something funny down on, like the night that we mapped out the plan for the band we would form, but mostly i'm just a lousy family historian. so here goes.
for the last several months, max has been really set on the idea of being "an ambulance person" when he grows up. he must think about this a lot because he will randomly ask me questions about the logistics of being an ambulance person. "where do i buy my ambulance, mom?" i explained the process of school and hiring to him and he seemed thrilled that someone would pay him for his services. tonight as we were driving home, just the two of us, completely out of the blue, he asked, "can ambulance guys get married, mom?" when i answer his questions, his response is usually, "so...okay." and i can literally here the wheels turning in his noggin, processing the new information.
ben's current future occupation is an astronaut. every night he prays for, "all the people on earth and all the people in the space station." for about a day max was willing to join him in space, but he has now gone back to ambulance person.
the other night they were talking about how when they are grown men, working at their respective jobs, they are still going to live in our house. call me a crazy little ol' italian momma, but i don't think that is such a terrible idea : )
people often ask if the boys are twins. other than ben being taller, which is hard to tell when they are constantly swirling and jumping, i guess i can understand why.
i call max "max mouse" because when he's really excited about something, he squeaks. it's pretty cute. and he really likes cheese. and he's much quieter than his older brother. i like the mouse a lot.
i used to call max "charlie puppy" when he was 2 1/2ish because when i'd call him charlie he'd morph into a puppy who was mostly cute and sweet and much better behaved and compliant than max.
tonight at dinner, a well balanced meal of dillon's chinese, ben's fortune was, "struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in." ben's quick and enthusiastic response was, " I BELIEVE IN GOD!" he frequently tells me that he has a heart on fire with love for God. such responsibility to help form these mighty souls i've been entrusted with.
after prayers when we were having our snuggle, squished in max's twin sized bottom bunk, max asked, "does God make super heroes?" i put on my preachy mom hat and explained that God doesn't make guys with x-ray vision or guys that turn green and muscly when angry but he does give each of us special gifts and talents that we can use to be super heroes to other people, like super kindness or super helpfulness. being a little bored by my own answer, i decided to add, "or sometimes if a person has really stinky toots, they have super stink powers." spurred by their eruption of giggles, i fought my uptight tendencies to suppress their giggles and hurry them to sleep, and continued, " and when max makes up in the morning, he has super grump powers." this went on for a bit and i tried to soak up that glorious little slice of time.
the boys are both at pretty decent ages. ben is off at school for most of the time and honestly, it's a relief having mr. needs-constant-activity-and-stimulation not always asking, "what are we going to do now?" max plays pretty well with his cousins that he spends most mornings of the week with, but also plays really well by himself. his fits are MUCH more manageable and don't escalate to anywhere near the levels they used to. tim and i have finally decided to keep them. for now.
scrapbook closed.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
crazytown journal
several friends have started doing the journal thing blog posts. i like these, but just can't bring myself to conform. so instead, i give you this series of events, which i found to be pretty comical.
after working on a few things on the computer tonight, i got up, complaining to tim that i feel like i have a million little and some big things that i need to get done. as soon as i stopped talking, an alarm went off on my phone reminding me i needed to pay bills tonight. blurg. add that to my list.
when i went to check on ben, who has a slight fever, i found that max had fallen asleep in his toy box at the end of his bed, sitting upright. at first i thought he had been woken up from the storm or had gotten up to go to the bathroom and scampered back to his room when he heard me coming. but nope. he was tanked out and i'm pretty sure he had been sitting there/sleeping for an hour and a half.
after doing several other jobs, i sat down to pay bills and eat a piece of pie/turnover that i baked up from the leftover dough and apples from max's pie on sunday. can't let it go to waste. upon taking my first bite of pie, another alarm went off on my phone-one i have set that goes off every night at 10:15 with the message that reads, "go to bed or you will hate yourself tomorrow". i never do go to bed right away, but to be caught eating dessert at my self-imposed bed time really seemed to highlight my poor decision making.
the first letter i opened was a very crisp piece of paper and when i pulled it out, it whipped up and hit me in the eye. for a solid minute i clamped my eye shut, visualizing an eye ball sliced in half. i'm still not sure if my vision is blury and if it is, if it's from exhaustion or that malicious paper. what was the bill? health insurance of course. tim brilliantly suggested i go look in the bathroom mirror. my response, "i'd rather just eat my pie."
oh, and while i had my eye squeezed closed and was envisioning my blind future, it started hailing.
fearing the task of replacing the roof again, i asked tim to join me in prayer. after we made the sign of the cross, i hesitated for a bit, distracted by my eye. tim started up without me, "bless us oh lord and....". after we prayed, not over our food but for the protection of our home, he admitted that maybe he was in fact a bit tired and should go to bed.
instead of finishing the few jobs i have left for the day, i wrote this comedy of errors out instead. and tim just came and informed me that i'll have to leave an hour early for work because i have to take the boys to his mom's house since he has to report to court for jury duty.
i'm gonna put a big ol' A++ stamp on tonight : )
oh man, i can't even make this level of weird up! before i could hit publish, i heard max fall out of his bed and had to go tend to him. he's fine. he didn't even wake up. and now i'm eating more turnover.
after working on a few things on the computer tonight, i got up, complaining to tim that i feel like i have a million little and some big things that i need to get done. as soon as i stopped talking, an alarm went off on my phone reminding me i needed to pay bills tonight. blurg. add that to my list.
when i went to check on ben, who has a slight fever, i found that max had fallen asleep in his toy box at the end of his bed, sitting upright. at first i thought he had been woken up from the storm or had gotten up to go to the bathroom and scampered back to his room when he heard me coming. but nope. he was tanked out and i'm pretty sure he had been sitting there/sleeping for an hour and a half.
after doing several other jobs, i sat down to pay bills and eat a piece of pie/turnover that i baked up from the leftover dough and apples from max's pie on sunday. can't let it go to waste. upon taking my first bite of pie, another alarm went off on my phone-one i have set that goes off every night at 10:15 with the message that reads, "go to bed or you will hate yourself tomorrow". i never do go to bed right away, but to be caught eating dessert at my self-imposed bed time really seemed to highlight my poor decision making.
the first letter i opened was a very crisp piece of paper and when i pulled it out, it whipped up and hit me in the eye. for a solid minute i clamped my eye shut, visualizing an eye ball sliced in half. i'm still not sure if my vision is blury and if it is, if it's from exhaustion or that malicious paper. what was the bill? health insurance of course. tim brilliantly suggested i go look in the bathroom mirror. my response, "i'd rather just eat my pie."
oh, and while i had my eye squeezed closed and was envisioning my blind future, it started hailing.
fearing the task of replacing the roof again, i asked tim to join me in prayer. after we made the sign of the cross, i hesitated for a bit, distracted by my eye. tim started up without me, "bless us oh lord and....". after we prayed, not over our food but for the protection of our home, he admitted that maybe he was in fact a bit tired and should go to bed.
instead of finishing the few jobs i have left for the day, i wrote this comedy of errors out instead. and tim just came and informed me that i'll have to leave an hour early for work because i have to take the boys to his mom's house since he has to report to court for jury duty.
i'm gonna put a big ol' A++ stamp on tonight : )
oh man, i can't even make this level of weird up! before i could hit publish, i heard max fall out of his bed and had to go tend to him. he's fine. he didn't even wake up. and now i'm eating more turnover.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
NFP-take 2, revisited.
this post is long. very long. and has no pictures. you've been warned.
tonight as i finished making dinner and ben was putting forks on the table, he wondered out loud, "what would it be like to have five people in our family? or six? what if we had eight kids in our family?!" he and max both agreed that it would be great. "why would it be great?" i asked. "because there would be soooo many of us!" was their response. max questioned if he and ben would still be brothers if they had a bunch of other brothers and sisters, to which ben assured him that yes, they'd always, always be brothers.
as we ate dinner and they jabbered on about other things, i had to wonder what God has in store for our family. i am number seven of eight after all, and if you would have asked my parents after their number two child if they were up for six more, well, i probably shouldn't type what they might have said ; ) i wondered, as i often do, if ben and max will be our only kiddos or if we'll have a whole gaggle more.
my thoughts reminded me of the following post that i wrote sometime during the winter, maybe february? at the time i ran out of energy to finish it and stored it away, deeming it too long and whiney. i fished it out of my drafts and figured i might as well share it.
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back in july i tried to cover the topic of nfp. i'd say i did a pretty good job ; )
today i had a big to-do list to cover. unfortunately, in the middle of the night i woke up not feeling so great and it hasn't gone away yet. so you are not left in suspense-no i'm not pregnant. but when i'm sick like this, it always reminds me of how i feel during the first trimester of pregnancy. i have never thrown up due to morning (or all day) sickness. i just feel extremely nauseated and exhausted for those first three months-ish. if i lay completely still, i don't feel too bad and sometimes even think the nausea has passed until i do something silly like stand up or move. so feeling like that all day today has made me think a lot about being pregnant again-something that is often on my mind and in my prayers. thankfully, tim has today off and i've been able to mostly lay or sit around, not having to do to many mommy duties.
(i realize that in comparison to some women, i am incredibly lucky and have absolutely no reason to complain about my first trimester experiences. but since i'm wimpy and whiney in general, pregnancy is no exception for me.)
some background:
be warned, this is a long post. come back later if your kids are going to need your attention for the next two hours.
when i was pregnant with ben i was still finishing up massage school and working a lot, so although i didn't feel great, i just had to power through. but once i came home in the evening, tim and i pretty much just watched tv and movies in our bed. this worked well because it was winter and we kept the theromastat at 50 degrees to save money, so bed was the warmest place anyways. (yes i know. we are models of productivity!) because it was just the two of us, the only rooms in the house that got messy where our room, the bathroom, the dining room (where we dumped all of our stuff when we came home), and the kitchen. because we weren't home at all during the day, it was very easy to ignore those messes, although we were thoroughly embarassed (or at least i was) when family dropped by unexpectedly.
my pregnancy with max was very different. actually, the pregnancy was pretty similar, but the circumstances of our life were very different. on top of feeling sick all the time, i was very sleep deprived because ben still, at 18 mos old, didn't sleep through the night. during the day, as well as at night, ben was pretty high maintenance. he was extremely active, social, curious, and stubborn. so while i wanted to just spend the day laying still, ben had completely opposite plans. i know-how rude of him. many huge, some permanent, messes were made at the cost of a few minutes of rest. plus, he was very attached to me and had a hard time with things like tim putting him to bed. sometimes tim would try to send me to our room in the evenings so i could lay down, but the sound of ben crying and "needing" me was just as exhausting as the pregnancy and i didn't want him to be upset.
i have an introverted personality with a strong need (desire?) for quiet and personal space, which is intensified when i don't feel well. ben is pretty much the complete opposite. but because my perception of being a "good mother" to him meant doing everything in my power to keep him "happy" i totally exhausted myself.
on top of being completely overwhelmed by ben, i was equally frustrated with our house. unlike when i was pregnant with ben and simply wasn't home to be bothered by the messes i didn't have the energy to pick up, i was home all day, every day, still with no energy, but also no escape. when i did try to muster the motivation to say, clean the bathroom, i had ben at my side trying to "help" and throwing major fits if i didn't let him. while tim enjoys a tidy house, it rarely occurs to him to clean without my asking him. and it wasn't just cleaning, but also repairs that needed to be made, clutter, yard work, meals, work and money stress-basically, life.
i won't go into more details, but even after max was born and honestly, up until the beginning of this year, our family still really struggled. it was not all constantly "bad", but we definitely had more really hard days than we had "good" days. sometimes we had stretches where it was hard to even remember a good day. sure, most days had good moments, but they were often overshadowed by the rest of the stresses of the day.
at times, tim and i's marriage was under extreme stress. i often felt that i had to chose between my own needs and those of my boys. i mostly chose the boys, thinking that was the best and again, what it meant to be a good mother, but it was not good for me, my marriage, and thus, our family. there were times that i actually considered getting in the car and never turning back. times i thought tim and i were done. times i stood in my mom's kitchen crying, trying to describe how it felt like i was drowning and couldn't breathe.
again, i don't think that my situation was unusual or unique to only me, but for me, it was a very difficult time. i know many of you have endured much more challenging circumstances.
so what does all of this have to do with NFP? good question.
several times in the last year i have had friends and acquaintances comment about how tim and i "are really good at NFP" because max will be four in september and we are still not pregnant with #3. for our group of friends and family, excluding fertility issues, i think that is a record. many couples that we know who got married the same year we did are pregnant with or have already had #4. i realize that's definitely not the norm, but for our microcosm, it is. i don't ever take offense at their comments. we are a close knit group who often share our joys and struggles. and there have been a few "surprise babies" in the last couple years, so i've always felt like i understood what they were saying.
but it makes me think (and we know i'm really good at thinking, and over thinking); what exactly does it mean to be "good" at NFP?
as we all know, there is no one definition. no form that a couple can check all the boxes on to gain a gold star and stamp of approval that says, GOOD NFP CATHOLICS. although we all know this, i think it's easy to fall into the trap of judging other couples that we think we know and know their choices. or even, shamefully, if you're like me, couples you don't know well. i remember looking around church when ben was a baby, spotting large or quickly growing families, and thinking, "oh, maybe we'll be friends with those people because we are obviously like-minded good catholics." and when max was a baby and i was feeling totally overwhelmed, wondering if we were going to be having a new baby every two or three years for the rest of our fertile years, wondering what could constitute a "grave reason" to avoid pregnancy, i remember looking at other couples who had two kids who were of grade school or middle school age and i assumed they "were done" and was jealous of their peaceful mass experience and how easy their lives obviously were now that they didn't have pesky babies around and could do whatever they wanted. while wanting that control and definite knowledge of the future, i also knew that wasn't what i really wanted, nor was it what was good for our family. but again, goodness gracious i was just so very overwhelmed by our little circus.
i knew better than to judge. i knew families with only a few children who desperately wanted more children but couldn't get pregnant again or sustain pregnancy. not all families that are small are small by choice. i also knew big families that weren't necessary healthy or holy families. i would try to catch myself and redirect my thoughts of jealousy and judgement, but it happened. even more than jealousy at some couples "freedom", i was scared. i knew that i wanted more children, but i couldn't imagine how we would ever be able to handle more responsibility and challenges.
with tim's job change and subsequent challenging work schedule and some financial strain, my own physical and emotional exhaustion, and the demands of our boys, we felt like we had a justified reason to postpone another pregnancy. for a long time we practiced extrememely cautious NFP rules. with tim's work schedule and my issues (husband repelling "grumpiness"), that wasn't particularly difficult, logistics wise, but it was often frustrating. because tim got off work late, was tired from a 10+ hour shift, and to avoid temptation, tim often stayed up playing video games, while i read online and then went to bed by myself, if i wasn't already asleep when he got home. instead of investing time and energy into our relationship and family, or simply and wisely getting more sleep, so that some of our "grave" reasons wouldn't be so grave anymore, we actually perpetuated our problems. not only were we not united physically, but we were also very distant emotionally.
as time has passed, the boys naturally have gotten a little more independent and i've gotten used to tim's crazy, always changing schedule. instead of just talking about (or fighting about) our issues, we've been working more on our relationship and consciously investing more time together when we can. we've both matured and admitted our faults and made efforts to work on the things that we need to work on. because of tim's hard work and my added income from working, we feel much more financially comfortable than we were a year ago. we are still using fertility awareness to avoid pregnancy, but the future of our family and it's size is something that is often on my mind and in my prayers.
do we still have a grave or serious reason to avoid pregnancy? some might argue that we never had a grave reason.
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and that's where i stopped. why? because i googled, "grave reason for avoiding pregnancy" or something like it and tortured myself by reading several blog posts and forums about how people abuse nfp and very, very, VERY rarely have a real grave reason to avoid pregnancy. one friar mentioned st. catherine of sienna and her umpteen siblings who lived in a single room, dirt floor hut, and said that if they could get by, we spoiled modern families with our big houses and multiple cars could certainly afford another child. although that one was the most extreme, it certainly messed with my head.
would we have ever gone bankrupt if we had another child? no. we had money in savings. was i just being miserly with our money? was my physical and mental exhaustion (often begging tim to find a new job so he could be home more and crying myself to sleep) a valid reason? tim said yes. crazy mary was not so sure. although i prayed for wisdom for tim and i to make the right decisions for our family, i worried a lot too. what if God wanted to give us an "easy" baby who actually slept at night, but i was too worried thinking about how i was still being woken up at night by my two other non-babies. what if He was trying to give us a gift and we weren't accepting it.
looking back on it, it now seems obvious how ridiculous i was being. and yet, not obvious at the same time. i know God would have given us the strength to get through another pregnancy and tricky baby if we implored His help, and i'm sure that another baby would have been an awesome addition to our family. but i'm thankful for the time that tim and i have had to work through a lot of things, personally and as a couple. i guess there is no right answer, just different answers with different outcomes.
these simcha fisher articles were good food for thought for me: "Why doesn't the Church just make a list?"
and "NFP, Providentialism, and Future-You"
the couple to couple league had a whole issue of Family Foundations devoted to family size descerment a couple months ago that was incredibly helpful to me and gave me a lot of peace. i have kept up our membership solely for the reason of getting this publication and would encourage anyone, regardless of which nfp method you use, to subscribe.
finally it was a conversation with my mom that really gave me peace. it was a conversation that we actually had twice, but i'm dense and needed to hear it again for it to really sink in. or maybe she prayed for me, knowing my heart was heavy. basically, she said that, no matter how conservative you're being with nfp, if it's God's will for you to have another baby and that if your heart is truly open to His will, He'll take care of things, reminding me of several "tricky babies" of her's and other people who seemed to defy the normal rules of fertility.
so much to pray about.
tonight as i finished making dinner and ben was putting forks on the table, he wondered out loud, "what would it be like to have five people in our family? or six? what if we had eight kids in our family?!" he and max both agreed that it would be great. "why would it be great?" i asked. "because there would be soooo many of us!" was their response. max questioned if he and ben would still be brothers if they had a bunch of other brothers and sisters, to which ben assured him that yes, they'd always, always be brothers.
as we ate dinner and they jabbered on about other things, i had to wonder what God has in store for our family. i am number seven of eight after all, and if you would have asked my parents after their number two child if they were up for six more, well, i probably shouldn't type what they might have said ; ) i wondered, as i often do, if ben and max will be our only kiddos or if we'll have a whole gaggle more.
my thoughts reminded me of the following post that i wrote sometime during the winter, maybe february? at the time i ran out of energy to finish it and stored it away, deeming it too long and whiney. i fished it out of my drafts and figured i might as well share it.
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back in july i tried to cover the topic of nfp. i'd say i did a pretty good job ; )
today i had a big to-do list to cover. unfortunately, in the middle of the night i woke up not feeling so great and it hasn't gone away yet. so you are not left in suspense-no i'm not pregnant. but when i'm sick like this, it always reminds me of how i feel during the first trimester of pregnancy. i have never thrown up due to morning (or all day) sickness. i just feel extremely nauseated and exhausted for those first three months-ish. if i lay completely still, i don't feel too bad and sometimes even think the nausea has passed until i do something silly like stand up or move. so feeling like that all day today has made me think a lot about being pregnant again-something that is often on my mind and in my prayers. thankfully, tim has today off and i've been able to mostly lay or sit around, not having to do to many mommy duties.
(i realize that in comparison to some women, i am incredibly lucky and have absolutely no reason to complain about my first trimester experiences. but since i'm wimpy and whiney in general, pregnancy is no exception for me.)
some background:
be warned, this is a long post. come back later if your kids are going to need your attention for the next two hours.
when i was pregnant with ben i was still finishing up massage school and working a lot, so although i didn't feel great, i just had to power through. but once i came home in the evening, tim and i pretty much just watched tv and movies in our bed. this worked well because it was winter and we kept the theromastat at 50 degrees to save money, so bed was the warmest place anyways. (yes i know. we are models of productivity!) because it was just the two of us, the only rooms in the house that got messy where our room, the bathroom, the dining room (where we dumped all of our stuff when we came home), and the kitchen. because we weren't home at all during the day, it was very easy to ignore those messes, although we were thoroughly embarassed (or at least i was) when family dropped by unexpectedly.
my pregnancy with max was very different. actually, the pregnancy was pretty similar, but the circumstances of our life were very different. on top of feeling sick all the time, i was very sleep deprived because ben still, at 18 mos old, didn't sleep through the night. during the day, as well as at night, ben was pretty high maintenance. he was extremely active, social, curious, and stubborn. so while i wanted to just spend the day laying still, ben had completely opposite plans. i know-how rude of him. many huge, some permanent, messes were made at the cost of a few minutes of rest. plus, he was very attached to me and had a hard time with things like tim putting him to bed. sometimes tim would try to send me to our room in the evenings so i could lay down, but the sound of ben crying and "needing" me was just as exhausting as the pregnancy and i didn't want him to be upset.
i have an introverted personality with a strong need (desire?) for quiet and personal space, which is intensified when i don't feel well. ben is pretty much the complete opposite. but because my perception of being a "good mother" to him meant doing everything in my power to keep him "happy" i totally exhausted myself.
on top of being completely overwhelmed by ben, i was equally frustrated with our house. unlike when i was pregnant with ben and simply wasn't home to be bothered by the messes i didn't have the energy to pick up, i was home all day, every day, still with no energy, but also no escape. when i did try to muster the motivation to say, clean the bathroom, i had ben at my side trying to "help" and throwing major fits if i didn't let him. while tim enjoys a tidy house, it rarely occurs to him to clean without my asking him. and it wasn't just cleaning, but also repairs that needed to be made, clutter, yard work, meals, work and money stress-basically, life.
i won't go into more details, but even after max was born and honestly, up until the beginning of this year, our family still really struggled. it was not all constantly "bad", but we definitely had more really hard days than we had "good" days. sometimes we had stretches where it was hard to even remember a good day. sure, most days had good moments, but they were often overshadowed by the rest of the stresses of the day.
at times, tim and i's marriage was under extreme stress. i often felt that i had to chose between my own needs and those of my boys. i mostly chose the boys, thinking that was the best and again, what it meant to be a good mother, but it was not good for me, my marriage, and thus, our family. there were times that i actually considered getting in the car and never turning back. times i thought tim and i were done. times i stood in my mom's kitchen crying, trying to describe how it felt like i was drowning and couldn't breathe.
again, i don't think that my situation was unusual or unique to only me, but for me, it was a very difficult time. i know many of you have endured much more challenging circumstances.
so what does all of this have to do with NFP? good question.
several times in the last year i have had friends and acquaintances comment about how tim and i "are really good at NFP" because max will be four in september and we are still not pregnant with #3. for our group of friends and family, excluding fertility issues, i think that is a record. many couples that we know who got married the same year we did are pregnant with or have already had #4. i realize that's definitely not the norm, but for our microcosm, it is. i don't ever take offense at their comments. we are a close knit group who often share our joys and struggles. and there have been a few "surprise babies" in the last couple years, so i've always felt like i understood what they were saying.
but it makes me think (and we know i'm really good at thinking, and over thinking); what exactly does it mean to be "good" at NFP?
as we all know, there is no one definition. no form that a couple can check all the boxes on to gain a gold star and stamp of approval that says, GOOD NFP CATHOLICS. although we all know this, i think it's easy to fall into the trap of judging other couples that we think we know and know their choices. or even, shamefully, if you're like me, couples you don't know well. i remember looking around church when ben was a baby, spotting large or quickly growing families, and thinking, "oh, maybe we'll be friends with those people because we are obviously like-minded good catholics." and when max was a baby and i was feeling totally overwhelmed, wondering if we were going to be having a new baby every two or three years for the rest of our fertile years, wondering what could constitute a "grave reason" to avoid pregnancy, i remember looking at other couples who had two kids who were of grade school or middle school age and i assumed they "were done" and was jealous of their peaceful mass experience and how easy their lives obviously were now that they didn't have pesky babies around and could do whatever they wanted. while wanting that control and definite knowledge of the future, i also knew that wasn't what i really wanted, nor was it what was good for our family. but again, goodness gracious i was just so very overwhelmed by our little circus.
i knew better than to judge. i knew families with only a few children who desperately wanted more children but couldn't get pregnant again or sustain pregnancy. not all families that are small are small by choice. i also knew big families that weren't necessary healthy or holy families. i would try to catch myself and redirect my thoughts of jealousy and judgement, but it happened. even more than jealousy at some couples "freedom", i was scared. i knew that i wanted more children, but i couldn't imagine how we would ever be able to handle more responsibility and challenges.
with tim's job change and subsequent challenging work schedule and some financial strain, my own physical and emotional exhaustion, and the demands of our boys, we felt like we had a justified reason to postpone another pregnancy. for a long time we practiced extrememely cautious NFP rules. with tim's work schedule and my issues (husband repelling "grumpiness"), that wasn't particularly difficult, logistics wise, but it was often frustrating. because tim got off work late, was tired from a 10+ hour shift, and to avoid temptation, tim often stayed up playing video games, while i read online and then went to bed by myself, if i wasn't already asleep when he got home. instead of investing time and energy into our relationship and family, or simply and wisely getting more sleep, so that some of our "grave" reasons wouldn't be so grave anymore, we actually perpetuated our problems. not only were we not united physically, but we were also very distant emotionally.
as time has passed, the boys naturally have gotten a little more independent and i've gotten used to tim's crazy, always changing schedule. instead of just talking about (or fighting about) our issues, we've been working more on our relationship and consciously investing more time together when we can. we've both matured and admitted our faults and made efforts to work on the things that we need to work on. because of tim's hard work and my added income from working, we feel much more financially comfortable than we were a year ago. we are still using fertility awareness to avoid pregnancy, but the future of our family and it's size is something that is often on my mind and in my prayers.
do we still have a grave or serious reason to avoid pregnancy? some might argue that we never had a grave reason.
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and that's where i stopped. why? because i googled, "grave reason for avoiding pregnancy" or something like it and tortured myself by reading several blog posts and forums about how people abuse nfp and very, very, VERY rarely have a real grave reason to avoid pregnancy. one friar mentioned st. catherine of sienna and her umpteen siblings who lived in a single room, dirt floor hut, and said that if they could get by, we spoiled modern families with our big houses and multiple cars could certainly afford another child. although that one was the most extreme, it certainly messed with my head.
would we have ever gone bankrupt if we had another child? no. we had money in savings. was i just being miserly with our money? was my physical and mental exhaustion (often begging tim to find a new job so he could be home more and crying myself to sleep) a valid reason? tim said yes. crazy mary was not so sure. although i prayed for wisdom for tim and i to make the right decisions for our family, i worried a lot too. what if God wanted to give us an "easy" baby who actually slept at night, but i was too worried thinking about how i was still being woken up at night by my two other non-babies. what if He was trying to give us a gift and we weren't accepting it.
looking back on it, it now seems obvious how ridiculous i was being. and yet, not obvious at the same time. i know God would have given us the strength to get through another pregnancy and tricky baby if we implored His help, and i'm sure that another baby would have been an awesome addition to our family. but i'm thankful for the time that tim and i have had to work through a lot of things, personally and as a couple. i guess there is no right answer, just different answers with different outcomes.
these simcha fisher articles were good food for thought for me: "Why doesn't the Church just make a list?"
and "NFP, Providentialism, and Future-You"
the couple to couple league had a whole issue of Family Foundations devoted to family size descerment a couple months ago that was incredibly helpful to me and gave me a lot of peace. i have kept up our membership solely for the reason of getting this publication and would encourage anyone, regardless of which nfp method you use, to subscribe.
finally it was a conversation with my mom that really gave me peace. it was a conversation that we actually had twice, but i'm dense and needed to hear it again for it to really sink in. or maybe she prayed for me, knowing my heart was heavy. basically, she said that, no matter how conservative you're being with nfp, if it's God's will for you to have another baby and that if your heart is truly open to His will, He'll take care of things, reminding me of several "tricky babies" of her's and other people who seemed to defy the normal rules of fertility.
so much to pray about.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
i will survive
thank you all for your encouraging words in regards to the grand school adventure. we all survived our first full week of school and ben hasn't declared yet that he won't go back.
several days ago i was talking to a friend who said that, the more her son fights doing something, she's come to realize, the more grace-filled, or trans-formative the experience will be for him. that's pretty much the same for me. i fight doing things that i know will be good for me or my family terribly. as much as i hate the phrases "just do it" and "git r done", i need to work on embracing that mentality. anybody have a suggestion for a catch phrase that embrace that mentality but isn't totally obnoxious? i like "i can do all things in Christ how strengthens me" but it's long and for some reason, makes me feel like i'm dying or in labor if i need that major of encouragement. (yes, i group dying and childbirth labor together.)
the structure of school is good for our whole family. although i very much need it, i really fight against structure. i think that i hate it, but in reality, i really like it. tim and i both are terrible about staying up much too late, but even in just a week, i've gotten better about it. i'm sure i will always struggle with it, though, because i just really love the quiet of the night after the boys are sleep.
i'm very, very, VERY thankful that tim has agreed to take ben to school most mornings. that decision came out of my meltdown the night i realized i'd missed school registration and was in tears about all of my new responsibilities. i feel guilty about all my belly-aching and all of your kind words and stories about how you drop your kids off in your jammies, because i, el whimpo, don't even have to do that bit. well, actually, i had to take him three times this week, but i'm reassuring myself that i won't have to ever do it again. tim's really good at getting ben up and going more punctually than i would. it always amazes me because a significant part of our marital strife for several years was related to tim's log sleeping in the morning hours. i would let ben sleep in later and then end up having to rush to eat, rush to dress, and rush into school. it makes so much more sense to just wake him up those 15 minutes earlier to prevent that stress, but that's never been how i've rolled-again, because i'm dumb and stubborn. on the three mornings i took him we were rushed and two of the mornings, i didn't walk him in. tim walks him in every morning.
so we haven't been late, we haven't forgotten lunch, and i haven't missed pick up. i give myself five gold stars! one day for pick up i did have to give max a piggy back ride because he wasn't wearing shoes and several days he went in his snow boots and black knee high socks with totally mismatched clothing. it's funny that i don't mind taking him to the grocery store looking like that but am aware of it with our parish community. not that people at our parish are rude or vocally judgey. they just do crazy things like put shoes on their children and match their clothes.
alright, my time is up. if you noticed a different tone to this post, it's because i gave myself an allotted amount of time and wrote a lot more like i do when journaling than i usually do when blog writing. i am such a slow writer and it inhibits my ability to write because i just don't have time to spend an hour+ on a post. thus, also, no pictures.
thanks again for your kind words. i thank God every night for the wonderful community of friends he has provided for us.
several days ago i was talking to a friend who said that, the more her son fights doing something, she's come to realize, the more grace-filled, or trans-formative the experience will be for him. that's pretty much the same for me. i fight doing things that i know will be good for me or my family terribly. as much as i hate the phrases "just do it" and "git r done", i need to work on embracing that mentality. anybody have a suggestion for a catch phrase that embrace that mentality but isn't totally obnoxious? i like "i can do all things in Christ how strengthens me" but it's long and for some reason, makes me feel like i'm dying or in labor if i need that major of encouragement. (yes, i group dying and childbirth labor together.)
the structure of school is good for our whole family. although i very much need it, i really fight against structure. i think that i hate it, but in reality, i really like it. tim and i both are terrible about staying up much too late, but even in just a week, i've gotten better about it. i'm sure i will always struggle with it, though, because i just really love the quiet of the night after the boys are sleep.
i'm very, very, VERY thankful that tim has agreed to take ben to school most mornings. that decision came out of my meltdown the night i realized i'd missed school registration and was in tears about all of my new responsibilities. i feel guilty about all my belly-aching and all of your kind words and stories about how you drop your kids off in your jammies, because i, el whimpo, don't even have to do that bit. well, actually, i had to take him three times this week, but i'm reassuring myself that i won't have to ever do it again. tim's really good at getting ben up and going more punctually than i would. it always amazes me because a significant part of our marital strife for several years was related to tim's log sleeping in the morning hours. i would let ben sleep in later and then end up having to rush to eat, rush to dress, and rush into school. it makes so much more sense to just wake him up those 15 minutes earlier to prevent that stress, but that's never been how i've rolled-again, because i'm dumb and stubborn. on the three mornings i took him we were rushed and two of the mornings, i didn't walk him in. tim walks him in every morning.
so we haven't been late, we haven't forgotten lunch, and i haven't missed pick up. i give myself five gold stars! one day for pick up i did have to give max a piggy back ride because he wasn't wearing shoes and several days he went in his snow boots and black knee high socks with totally mismatched clothing. it's funny that i don't mind taking him to the grocery store looking like that but am aware of it with our parish community. not that people at our parish are rude or vocally judgey. they just do crazy things like put shoes on their children and match their clothes.
alright, my time is up. if you noticed a different tone to this post, it's because i gave myself an allotted amount of time and wrote a lot more like i do when journaling than i usually do when blog writing. i am such a slow writer and it inhibits my ability to write because i just don't have time to spend an hour+ on a post. thus, also, no pictures.
thanks again for your kind words. i thank God every night for the wonderful community of friends he has provided for us.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
school days, school days
tonight we had "meet the teacher night" at school. ben was, of course, so happy. every step of the school meetings way he's been so excited. last spring we had a parent meeting and all day he was so excited and kept asking when it was time to go. after the meeting, he literally skipped to the car, saying it was the best day of his life! what did we do at that totally awesome meeting? listened to the principal talk and answer questions and then his teacher read them a story. (ben is nothing if not dramatic.)
kindergarten screening=ben very happy. all summer he has talked about school. "when is summer over so i can go to school?" school supply shopping and uniform purchasing=giggles of joy. "mom, can i practice putting on my belt again? i love my new belt." there has been a count down to when school starts since the beginning of august. i am so happy for him that he is so excited about this adventure. i can't help but smile when he smiles. it would break my heart if he were nervous about school or didn't want to go. and yet oh how angst-y i've felt this whole month.
yes, this is that post. the "my baby is growing up so fast" post. but only kinda. my feelings aren't really about him. they're my feelings about me entering this next stage of parenting. i'm the one dragging my feet. i'm the one begging, "i don't want to go to school!!!" my baby is growing up and he's forcing me to and i just DON"T WANNA!!!!
last winter i remember reading a blog post on a blog i don't even remember, about how much she stunk at being a school parent. about how she was always late getting her son to school and he was always having to run to beat the tardy bell. how she never volunteered for anything and felt guilty about it, but just couldn't do it. about how she felt judged by all the other more put together moms. and i could see my future.
it really didn't help when i missed school enrollment. there were tears. maybe even sobs. ben is soo ready for this. i am so very not. i already feel like i have a lot on my plate. or that i'm the circus act of the lady who spins all the plates on the tall poles. at least once every couple weeks i already feel like all the plates are crashing down on me. now i get to add the responsibilities of school. crash, crash, crash.
i'm so thankful that ben's school is small and that many of the families are pretty involved. we're actually required to volunteer in some capacity for the two fundraisers that they have. but i definitely prefer to fly under the radar and avoid extra responsibilities and commitments. so on the one hand, i want to be super involved and helpful because i think it is so important. and on the other, i'm squealing in my head, "but i don't wanna!" yep, very mature i am.
tonight at the meeting ben's teacher stressed how important it is to talk positively about school starting. she talked about how it's okay if there's some crying on the first day. at first i thought she was joking about parents crying. then i almost cried thinking about how i might cry. (yes, i'm exhausted and way overly emotional.) then i realized she was talking about the kids crying. i can 99.9% guarantee ben will not cry. unless he bursts from excitement. he will not miss me. i probably won't miss him too much, as i'll still be quite busy and he really is a bit of an exhausting lil' fella. ben's biggest sadness was the realization that he wouldn't get to watch shows because of school. such devotion...to television.
everything will be fine. life will settle into a new normal someday. parts of ben going to school will be great. some parts will be stressful. that's just how it's going to be.
i'm thankful ben is able to go to a good school. i'm thankful ben has a good teacher. this will be my mantra, trying to block out all my mental whining and foot dragging.
signing off,
the least likely volunteer for PTO president.
kindergarten screening=ben very happy. all summer he has talked about school. "when is summer over so i can go to school?" school supply shopping and uniform purchasing=giggles of joy. "mom, can i practice putting on my belt again? i love my new belt." there has been a count down to when school starts since the beginning of august. i am so happy for him that he is so excited about this adventure. i can't help but smile when he smiles. it would break my heart if he were nervous about school or didn't want to go. and yet oh how angst-y i've felt this whole month.
yes, this is that post. the "my baby is growing up so fast" post. but only kinda. my feelings aren't really about him. they're my feelings about me entering this next stage of parenting. i'm the one dragging my feet. i'm the one begging, "i don't want to go to school!!!" my baby is growing up and he's forcing me to and i just DON"T WANNA!!!!
last winter i remember reading a blog post on a blog i don't even remember, about how much she stunk at being a school parent. about how she was always late getting her son to school and he was always having to run to beat the tardy bell. how she never volunteered for anything and felt guilty about it, but just couldn't do it. about how she felt judged by all the other more put together moms. and i could see my future.
it really didn't help when i missed school enrollment. there were tears. maybe even sobs. ben is soo ready for this. i am so very not. i already feel like i have a lot on my plate. or that i'm the circus act of the lady who spins all the plates on the tall poles. at least once every couple weeks i already feel like all the plates are crashing down on me. now i get to add the responsibilities of school. crash, crash, crash.
i'm so thankful that ben's school is small and that many of the families are pretty involved. we're actually required to volunteer in some capacity for the two fundraisers that they have. but i definitely prefer to fly under the radar and avoid extra responsibilities and commitments. so on the one hand, i want to be super involved and helpful because i think it is so important. and on the other, i'm squealing in my head, "but i don't wanna!" yep, very mature i am.
tonight at the meeting ben's teacher stressed how important it is to talk positively about school starting. she talked about how it's okay if there's some crying on the first day. at first i thought she was joking about parents crying. then i almost cried thinking about how i might cry. (yes, i'm exhausted and way overly emotional.) then i realized she was talking about the kids crying. i can 99.9% guarantee ben will not cry. unless he bursts from excitement. he will not miss me. i probably won't miss him too much, as i'll still be quite busy and he really is a bit of an exhausting lil' fella. ben's biggest sadness was the realization that he wouldn't get to watch shows because of school. such devotion...to television.
everything will be fine. life will settle into a new normal someday. parts of ben going to school will be great. some parts will be stressful. that's just how it's going to be.
i'm thankful ben is able to go to a good school. i'm thankful ben has a good teacher. this will be my mantra, trying to block out all my mental whining and foot dragging.
signing off,
the least likely volunteer for PTO president.
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