Thursday, April 7, 2011
thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words and advice. honestly, i was almost in tears reading (and rereading) your comments. it really meant so much to me that you took the time to offer me support, and in doing so with your comments, helped other mommas. i'm looking forward to checking out the resources you recommended, and then knowing i have people i can hash out the ideas with-sometimes when i read parenting books i just can't quite figure out how to translate the words and principles to real life. again, thank you.
i hope i didn't worry anyone too much. two sisters, one brother, and a friend all called and offered help, not even mentioning my blog post or out rightly questioning whether i'd totally gone off the deep end ; ) unfortunately, as they were generously offering help and i was trying to let my pride go and better accept help, max was fighting a tummy bug that i didn't want their kiddos exposed to. i promise guys, i'm not just being stubborn and prideful (this time)-i have the mountain of dirty diapers to prove it.
making an effort to at least try to address some of our issues, i took max in and had him checked for food allergies. we have tons of food allergies in my family and they manifest themselves in not so obvious ways. thankfully, he was mostly good and we're working on the slight sensitivity that showed up. we're also trying some new relaxation/destressing energy work when i actually remember to do it.
riding the productive momentum of max's appointment, i finally went and got an adjustment from my amazing cousin, dr. jamie arnold. i generally put the boys ahead of myself when it comes to health, but as she said, i can't take care of them if i feel like crud. i felt instantly better after my adjustment and am hoping that once i get back in the habit of taking my vitamins, i'll have more energy and won't feel so overwhelmed. as michelle t. said in her comment, "When things tend to get scary with the kids it really has much more to do with my stress level than them just acting scary for the fun of it." so true.
while reading faith and family magazine the other day, i came across an article about a mother trying to raise 11! children by herself. while i am in no way comparing my struggles to hers, her words struck a chord- "...and by all means accept their [friends] help. By accepting charity, you give others the gift of practicing works of mercy and help them achieve holiness". i am surrounded by family and friends that want to help. my boys love the time they get to spend with aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends-literally every morning they ask, "can we visit somebody?" they are almost always good for other people and really are pretty charming little fellas to be around (in small doses). it is my pride, and the lies of satan, that tells me that they are solely my responsibility and i shouldn't dump them on other people and that i should be able to do all of this on my own. it is my laziness that keeps me from keeping a basic schedule and making a rough plan for our week on sunday so that i can have the help i need without imposing on other people. i knew this at the beginning of lent (and have for the last several years!) but continue to cling desperately to my will, detrimental though i know that it is.
like danielle talks about in this post, so much about motherhood is dying to self and in doing so, growing in holiness. although most days i'll only admit it through gritted teeth, and some days it's impossible to have the mental clarity to see it at all, i'm thankful for my challenging children and imperfect marriage because i know that if i accept the opportunities, they will strengthen and refine me. if i had a perfect husband and cherub children, i would be so full of myself and how brilliant i must be to have created such a perfect life that my soul would be lost. i would have stayed obnoxiously prideful and disgustingly judgemental and my spiritual life would have been very superficial and mostly just going through the actions.
finally, thank you so much for your prayers. words cannot express my gratitude. i never cease to be amazed by the power of prayer. proof of their effects is that i was finally able to step out of my indecisiveness and take some action. another proof was that when tim walked in the door last night after a 13 hour day and shared his schedule for the upcoming week, it included several closing shifts which means he gets to spend part of his day at home!!! he hasn't had one of those shifts in over six months and with the opening of the new store, i was entirely convinced (as was tim) that he would be there all day, every day for at least several weeks. right now he is upstairs playing legos with the boys, building cars in "big daddy's custom car shop". such a blessing for our family.