Tuesday, January 15, 2013

it's not you. it's me.

i feel like i've kind of dropped off the face of the earth. i feel bad that there are friends who say, "we should get the kids together sometime" or that i haven't seen or talked to in too long, but that, if i'm being honest with myself, or more fairly, them, i should just admit, it's not going to happen.

i don't want to play the, "oh we're soooo busy!" card. it's lame. most people are busy these days. you either make time or you don't. and really, we're not super busy. i hate being too busy and the idea of it always stresses me out. if anything, it's because i'm becoming more aware of how much i hate to feel too busy. i'm tired most days anyways and i'm to the point where i've realized that cramming things in and trying to make room for everything and everyone makes me miserable. although there are chunks of time in most of my days that are "free", the necessary tasks that surround them must have the priority of my attention and energy.

yesterday i felt guilty because tim was off work and i stayed home and did laundry all day and puttered around the house. i could have put in an extra day at work, visited some neglected friends/family, caught up on some errands, etc. but i just stayed home. i wore my pajamas all day and wasn't busy at all. but really, i got a lot done. all the laundry, tidied the house, worked on some organization, made a nice meal (and cleaned up afterwards!), and watched an episode of downton with my love.

so it's not that we're too busy and absolutely can't fit another thing in. or that i don't like you and don't want to spend time with you. my life is just as full as i can handle right now. between family, work, school and other obligations, life is full. i wish that i could substitute you in for some of those other things, but right now, i just can't. i know that lots of other people and families are so much better at making time for so much more. i marvel at their energy and organization. but i'm just not them, as much as i wish i could be sometimes. well, i used to wish i could be that. i'm trying to be honest with myself about who i am and can be. not lazy, and striving to be and do better, but accepting who i am- a tired little hermit.

if your feelings have been hurt because you think i'm brushing you off, i'm so sorry. it's certainly not you. we are blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. i think about you often and try to remember you in my prayers.

Monday, January 7, 2013


back in middle school, a friend and i often quoted the following scene from the movie "dumb and dumber", adapting it to whatever middle school stress we were experiencing. "i forgot my lunch! i didn't understand our math homework last night! OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"

while i didn't really care for the movie as a whole, i found this scene so comical in it's pathetic-ness. the way jim carrey falls to the floor when he comes in the door. harry's totally disheveled appearance. the extreme melodrama of it is so great, because, well, sometimes i'm a little dramatic.

and as i sit and ponder tim and i's life, as today is our anniversary, that quote and scene sums things up pretty well for us. i'm joking of course, kind of, but we have had a pretty wild last couple of months and i have taken to sometimes whining and sometimes raving that line when i'm feeling particularly overwhelmed.

i feel like we're still trying to find our footing after the "everyone got sick and both of our cars broke and had to be replaced in a week" circus that was the end of november. then the busyness of the holidays. then continued car issues. and work and life and our pets' heads falling off.

but we're in this crazy adventure together. sometimes tim's harry and i'm lloyd, sometimes i'm harry, in mannerisms and appearance. i would say  here's to hoping this next year of marriage is quiet and peaceful and uneventful, but considering "give birth" is tentatively penciled in on the june calendar, i don't think that's going to happen.

cheers to our little circus and another year!