my boys drive me crazy. i think i've mentioned that before. most days i get up with them in the morning and put them to bed at night. we spend a lot of time together. for me, a person who needs some quiet and space, all of that together time can be taxing.
sometimes i feel like a bad momma when i snarl at them to get out of my face. literally, tonight, ben had crawled into my chair on my lap and max was thrusting something in my face while they were simultaneously telling me stories. sometimes they literally run circles around me, shrieking with delight. and that's when they're in a good mood. i won't talk about the bad moods.
to say that they overwhelm me is an understatement. i think that's why i like taking pictures of them while they are asleep. quiet. undemanding. sometimes i go in and lay with them after they are asleep or stay for a bit just to watch them if they fall asleep during our night time ritual. sometimes it's the only time i feel connected to them instead of bombarded by them.
i try to be patient and kind, but i fail a lot. a lot! i know that it's not their fault. there is no human-baby, child, or adult that i would like to spend my whole day with from waking to sleep. i feel guilty a lot for my desire for space from them or for when i'm not patient and kind. i worry that that's what they'll remember of their childhood and of me.
but then there's moments that ease my worry. max has been very affectionate lately. giving me hugs and kisses willingly when i leave for work. stopping what he's doing throughout the day to tell me that he loves me. coming from the kid who sometimes (maybe often) gives me death glares, that means a lot. maybe he's not forever scarred by our battles of wills after all.
tonight i had a terrible headache while i was tucking the boys in. max spent most of the time huffing and puffing because i didn't read them a story. i finally said ENOUGH! "there i go again, ruining our time together with my hot temper."
as i quietly said our prayers, i laid facing ben with my eyes closed. occasionally i would open them to see him nodding off to sleep. when he would see we watching him, he would give me sleepy smiles. is there anything in the world better than sleepy smiles? after i finished prayers i stayed for a bit. i thought they were both asleep. i reached over and brushed ben's cheek, "goodnight my treasure." as i got up, i heard from behind me, "goodnight my precious jewel" and i felt his arms around me.
maybe they can feel the love after all.