Tuesday, January 15, 2013
it's not you. it's me.
i feel like i've kind of dropped off the face of the earth. i feel bad that there are friends who say, "we should get the kids together sometime" or that i haven't seen or talked to in too long, but that, if i'm being honest with myself, or more fairly, them, i should just admit, it's not going to happen.
i don't want to play the, "oh we're soooo busy!" card. it's lame. most people are busy these days. you either make time or you don't. and really, we're not super busy. i hate being too busy and the idea of it always stresses me out. if anything, it's because i'm becoming more aware of how much i hate to feel too busy. i'm tired most days anyways and i'm to the point where i've realized that cramming things in and trying to make room for everything and everyone makes me miserable. although there are chunks of time in most of my days that are "free", the necessary tasks that surround them must have the priority of my attention and energy.
yesterday i felt guilty because tim was off work and i stayed home and did laundry all day and puttered around the house. i could have put in an extra day at work, visited some neglected friends/family, caught up on some errands, etc. but i just stayed home. i wore my pajamas all day and wasn't busy at all. but really, i got a lot done. all the laundry, tidied the house, worked on some organization, made a nice meal (and cleaned up afterwards!), and watched an episode of downton with my love.
so it's not that we're too busy and absolutely can't fit another thing in. or that i don't like you and don't want to spend time with you. my life is just as full as i can handle right now. between family, work, school and other obligations, life is full. i wish that i could substitute you in for some of those other things, but right now, i just can't. i know that lots of other people and families are so much better at making time for so much more. i marvel at their energy and organization. but i'm just not them, as much as i wish i could be sometimes. well, i used to wish i could be that. i'm trying to be honest with myself about who i am and can be. not lazy, and striving to be and do better, but accepting who i am- a tired little hermit.
if your feelings have been hurt because you think i'm brushing you off, i'm so sorry. it's certainly not you. we are blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. i think about you often and try to remember you in my prayers.