because i'm a procrastinator, i usually wait until ash wednesday to think of what i should do for lent. it usually leads to a half-hearted attempt at something that is either too impossible or something not very meaningful. and i waver about what i'm going to do because i'm lazy and i don't like to do hard things.
this year, instead of giving something up, because i tend to be an action person, i'm going to focus on doing instead.
i constantly struggle with being a better wife and mother. the boys overwhelm me with their constancy and i'm often cross with tim because i feel exhausted from all of my responsibilities. i've long known that i would do better in my vocations if i were more organized with my time and tasks. when ben was a baby i read "a mother's rule of life" but was frustrated with it because my life was much too unpredictable at that time and i was so sleep-deprived, all i could ever accomplish for a day was nursing and preparing food.
over the last four years, i have written up many, MANY "schedules" and "routines" for us to follow for our days and weeks. but again, i would quickly get discouraged with the constantly changing needs of the boys and work. one day would go great, then the next day the boys would be extra "charming" and nothing would get done or follow order, then i would give up, declaring that it would never work. on top of the needs of the boys and the house, i was always resentful of tim and his lack of schedule or demands. why should i have to discipline myself to go to bed at a reasonable time and get up early when he got to stay up as late as he wanted and then got to sleep in. and in regards to our household, tim is very undemanding. he never complains if the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in way too long or if the laundry baskets have been sitting in our room, full of unfolded laundry for several days. i'm not great at self-motivating, so without the "threat" of his displeasure or with the incentive of his praise, i often just didn't do the stuff i needed to do.
living in a cluttered house, where everywhere i turned, i was reminded of tasks that i was ignoring was exhausting. i was resentful of the boys, because if they weren't demanding my attention, i could just get the stuff done. and when i did get things done, they were quickly undone by my three guys. arrrrrrrrgggg!!!
i've slowly but surely gotten better about some things, but i still have a long ways to go. thus-my goal for this lent. i'm really going to work on being a more disciplined person, knowing that although it will be hard, the benefits for our family will be invaluable. i'm not going to give up and i will focus on offering up my frustrations and interruptions. i will be realistic about what i can accomplish in a day, not setting myself up for failure with an impossible list. i'm going to focus on the things that really make a difference in my mood and attitude, like cleaning the kitchen every night (which i've mostly conquered, but occasionally drag my feet on and then get super annoyed that tim never pitches in to help), clearing off the table every night so that i'm greeted by a clean slate each morning instead of piles of paperwork that nag at my attention, folding the laundry on my set day, and following a more focused daily routine that includes time for work, play, and chill. (and maybe even exercise if i'm working for a truly awesome lent.)
so far, i've failed. i did get all the laundry folded and put away yesterday and cleaned the kitchen, but there has been no order to our day today and growing frustration. oh to conquer my laziness-only by the grace of God.