craft therapy

yesterday i was having a really challenging day, feeling really overwhelmed by work, the boys, the house, life. because it was tim's day off, i left, with no boys and no plan. after dropping off paperwork at work and clearing my head over a sandwich and a newspaper, i headed to the goodwill. i love thrift stores and was not disappointed yesterday. this happy print was just what i needed to lift my spirit.



yes, it may have been a bed sheet, but it didn't have to be used as a sheet. for $2 i got several yards of adorable, soft knit fabric, begging to be crafted into something for a sweet little girl.

after a quick call, i headed to my sweet momma's house and this happy little room.



i should have taken more pics yesterday because this one really doesn't do it justice. on the shelf is a cute row of thimbles and a pincushion that reads "i (a heart) my mom" spelled out in needle heads that i did long, long ago. i love her little craft room, were the sewing machine is always set up, she has every color of thread i could need, and sharp scissors always in their place. but most importantly, she kindly, with the bribe of a shoulder rub, threads the machine for me and even makes me bobbins. yes, i own a sewing machine. but it is not magically threaded by a fairy who then offers helpful tips and keeps me company.



not wanting to deal with a pattern, i invoked the help of my paternal grandmother, eyeballed the fabric,and started cutting. i used the elastic edge of the sheet as a waistband, sewed up the side for a skirt, and made a hem. once it was done, i walked over to my brother's house (who lives in the same neighborhood) and tried it on my niece, the intended recipient. she showed her approval in her own 16 mo. old way-namely, not pulling it off. because it was a little big, i went back to the happy room and sewed up the side a little more. then i made two more for two other nieces.



when all was said and done, i had this much thread left:



it felt so good to accomplish something, with no interruptions from the boys and no demands being placed on me. granted, the skirts were pretty wonky (and wrinkly), but i don't think the girls mind and fortunately they have very kind mothers who don't judge or look too closely.

honestly, more therapeutic than the sewing was getting to see my adorable nieces, along with their cute brothers and understanding parents. by the time i wandered home, my boys were beautiful again and tim had undertaken quite an interesting surprise.

oh this crazyhardincredible life i live.

he said whoops.

tim broke our computer, so i have been disconnected from the interwebs. it's been a blessing in some ways, but really, really annoying at other times. ol timmy boy always complains about how slow and buggy our computers get, but he's the one who makes them that way. good thing he's cute. (he hears that a lot at our house. our vanity is the only thing that keeps our family together.)

i don't really have anything to write about. i'm at my parent's now, with no children, and i'm ignoring them while they pray in the other room just to write this. and check facebook of course. so to a certain someone who demanded i write something-yes watermellen, i'm looking at you- here it is. there were also demands for funny but i don't think it's going to happen. when the computer gets resurrected i've got some pretty good pics to post.


i think i better give my momma my attention. i luv ya folks, but she's my momma for pete's sake and she's pretty fantastic.

that'll do.

after the last couple posts, it's only fair to share our very good day today.

tim had the day off, which is becoming like a holiday around here. back when he had a "normal" schedule, the weekends weren't really that big of a deal. now, i look forward to days off oh so much.

after i fed the boys breakfast, tim took them on an "adventure". (pretty much any activity that is daddy only is called an adventure because when ben was little (and max now), ben didn't like going places without me. so if we played it up as an "adventure", he was game. and really any amount of time spent with tim IS and adventure, because no one, including him, really knows what's going to happen.)having tim up and functioning before 9:30 is a pretty big deal, so having all three of them out the door by that time was HUGE!

tim took the boys to his mom's while he got some jobs done and i got to have quiet, uninterrupted work time. by the time i saw the boys in the afternoon, they were the cutest little guys i had ever seen. amazing the power of just a few hours to refresh the momma spirit!

we stopped at freddy's on the way home for an early dinner, so when we got home we just got to chill as a family. so. nice.



(uncle sam wants YOU!)

around six i gave the boys a snack and sent them outside to burn off energy, where they made grass hats-putting freshly cut grass on their heads. (my Godfather/brother/neighbor came over and mowed our foot-high yard last night. i almost cried.) after the grass hats, tim gave them baths and they went to bed.

THEN!!! i got to go on an awesome date with my husband. an already great day totally blown off the charts. i got "cuted" up because i was tired of being a troll mommy and we went to timberline. the food was soooo good and it was nice and mellow because it was a late dinner. in an alternate life, tim and i meet up for late dinners often at quiet spots around town. but tonight i was just happy to get to tell a story without interruption, no potty breaks were needed, and the only food i cut was my own.

on the way home, i was cold, so as a joke i put on ben's sweatshirt.



it was a lot easier going on than coming off. i got stuck for a bit while tim laughed at me.



i love this dress. i can't help but feel happy and carefree when i wear it. (except for the windy day that i wore it to mass. that's a doozy of a story.) and my red shoes. they also make me happy.





our days haven't been quite so "challenging" lately. i've been trying to reach out to our support network of family and friends more, which helps break up the monotony and keeps me and the boys from getting totally done with each other. it's silly really-we chose to live were we do so we can be close to our families and dear friends. but i don't like to "bother" them and ask for help. but my boys really are wicked cute and quite fun and for the most part, it's more like sharing the boys with our loved ones than bothering them. i just have to put my obnoxious pride aside that tells me i should be able to do all this on my own. supermom i am not. but that's okay because God has given me what i need. and then some extra blessings on top of that.

so reach out and feel the love. and pray out loud. i find that really helps!

hmmmmm.

that last post is a hard one to follow.

the sunday evening after i posted it, the boys and i went out to my brother's house. my dear friend and sister (in law) commented that she had read my blog recently and was happy to hear we were doing well and were finding a new balance with tim's job and our family life. i was puzzled, having posted the blow-out "tired" post most recently. but she was referencing the post before that one, written only a couple of days before "tired", which talked about how it seemed like tim's schedule was settling down, the boys and i were happy to be able to be getting outside, etc. yes, i realized, that in the span of a few days i offered totally different view points of our life. talk about bi-polar.

but that's just how i am. when things are crappy, it's hard to remember that that's not how my life ALWAYS is. (which is another reason this space is nice-i can go back and dwell on a really good moment when there have been too many rotten ones and the fog is getting dense.) i have a hard time keeping perspective, but verbalizing often helps me.

my bi-polar posts were also proof of how one week seems much, much longer these days. sometimes tim gets two days off in a row. the day before the two day stretch, once the boys are in bed, i feel like i can breath. finally, we'll have some time with him and we can get some things done. and then the days blink by. and the other five days and the crazy schedule seems like they stretch on for weeks.

the good part of all this is i have come to appreciate my dear spouse and parenting teammate sooooooooooooo much more. i see and feel how much better our family is when we're all together. sadly, i used to often take tim's good traits for granted and often focused more on the areas that needed improvement. although i'm still not a perfect wife (please resist outbursts of laughter at that heinous understatement), i try to be more thankful for all the things tim does really well and to verbally tell him how much we love having him around and how much we just...love him.

after writing that last post, i did at times feel like, maybe in fact, i am just a bad mommy. but i know that's not true. your kind comments reaffirmed that. but what really affirmed it for me was:

last weekend i sat behind two of my brothers' families during my nephew's First Communion. i'll admit, i was very distracted by my beautiful nieces and nephews, but more, i was taken by the beauty of watching my sisters as mothers. these are women who are also tired. women who have given their bodies over and over for their children, lost too much sleep, have husbands who are gone more than they would like. mommas who stay home with their babes at this point in their lives because they know that that's what is best for their families. i got to see little glimpses of their true love for their children-subconscious things like stroking their hair and kissing their heads, checking on them while they sat or played underfoot as the congregation stood, holding them even though their arms were tired. no, they may not always gush on and on about their children and how motherhood completes them and how they couldn't possibly be any happier. true love isn't defined by warm fuzzies. i looked up to the cross and thought about true love. sacrificial love.

so sometimes i might feel like a bad wife and mother because my thoughts and feelings aren't always pure bliss. and while i do truly believe that we called to be joyful in our vocations, when i'm not so good at that, i'm reassured by my actions that, yes, i really do love my guys.

tired.

the following is a (very long, oh so bright and sunny) post i wrote last night. obviously, we've lived to see another day. i share this because this is real life, or at least real life for me. not every day (or week or month)is like this but some certainly are. i'm tired of seeing celebrities and some facebook "friends" who dote on and on about how wonderful their children are, how happy they are, etc. in the past, some of those celebrities who gushed about how wonderful their marriages are, are the same ones who are now divorced. i love my family and some moments with them are pure bliss and ecstasy. but other moments are pure agony. no one advertises their shitty days in all their full blown despair. we may joke that, "ahhh, the kids are driving me crazy!" but that's not really the same. i think there's some validity in not "airing one's dirty laundry for all the world to see", but in this age of facebook, twitter, and blogs, it's equally unfair to only advertise all the really wonderful parts of life, family, and parenthood. because sometimes that imbalance makes me feel like a totally horrible wife and mother for not feeling like my life is all sunshine and rainbows or that i'm not doing enough because my boys are way more beastly than other kids. maybe i just need to disconnect from those things so as not to scandalize myself. i'm considering it.

any of this make sense??? well,anyways, you've been warned...



i'm done. i'm not going to joke about how challenging my boys are, but then share something cute that redeems them. i'm not going to "put things in perspective" because we have food on the table and a roof over our heads. right now, at this moment, i would rather be living in a shelter with an unemployed husband. (yes that is drastic, but i'm pretty sure that's how i feel.)

tim is working all the time and i am going crazy...well...pretty much all the time. yes, there's phrases i've said in the past, trying to look at the bright side, trying to convince myself that this could work, like, "yah, he's gone all weekend but we can usually hang out with family on the weekends and then we get to have him to ourselves when he has two days off during the week." yes, this is kind of true, but two days off and then not seeing my spouse and parenting teammate the other five days is just not cutting it. because he's working in a restaurant, a regular shift runs from something like 11am-10pm. but because he's working on the way other side of town, he has to leave an hour early for work. so that means he leaves around 10am and gets home around 11pm. to say tim is not a morning person is a huge understatement. he loves the nighttime so working late is no problem for him. it just means the boys hardly get to see him and if i stay up to try and have a relationship with him, i'm exhausted the next day, because i still have to get up with the boys. long days for him and "there's really no word for me to describe my days" for me. and ben is always saying how much he misses his dad-it breaks my heart (that is, when my heart and brain aren't already numb.)

often when someone works tons of hours, it means they're making more money. nope. way more hours, and less money than his old job. yes, this is basically an investment, like going to college, but i'm so beyond wanting to hear that. so i need to work so that we don't have to use our savings, but i'm a bit short on extra physical and mental energy these days. and my job isn't exactly a clock-in, clock-out, no brainer kind of deal. i not so secretly just what to work as a cashier-a job that requires very little of my energy. but my job is good pay and allows me to work less hours for the same pay as a more menial job. because i feel like i need to be with my boys. they are my responsibility and i don't want someone else raising my kids for me. i think.

honestly, some days, a lot of days recently, i just want someone else to raise my boys. drop them off at daycare, work full time, come home, spend a few hours with them, and put them to bed. because they are SO EXHAUSTING.

when i don't work at all, like i have been for the last couple of weeks, they drive me crazy. ben is in one of his more difficult stages. (he's cyclical-i usually get a reprieve of a couple of normal-to-sweet ben weeks before another couple months of "challenging" crash over me.) right now everything i ask of him is, "i don't want to" or a very snotty "NO!" and everything i give him to eat earns a "i what something different". he is either teasing max or yelling at max to do want he wants him to do, sometimes sneakily throwing things at max, bopping him, or pushing him. he is a very constant child and rarely plays by himself, always wanting to be in the same room/place i'm in. my only real break from his constant questions, requests/demands, and pokings is tv. but i really don't want him watching a lot of tv, so he gets two shows when max goes down for his nap. ben won't nap so unless we've gone somewhere in the afternoon and he crashes in the car, he gets really tired and therefore uber cranky and irrational within a couple days. but if he does sleep in the car, he's up really late. ben has never been a good sleeper and often still comes up to our bed at night. if i have the energy to fight the melt down and feel like the meanest troll mommy in the world, i take him back to his bed. but most nights i'm just too tired. because i've had nearly four years of interrupted sleep!

ben is not a terrible kid. i know this, despite what i say. he can be very sweet, super friendly, thoughtful, generous and in my opinion, has been blessed with a very smart little brain. but goodness gracious is he demanding.

max basically seems like ben 2.0 in a lot of ways. which is wonderful in a lot of ways, but also, to be completely honest, fills me with some feelings of dread. he always wants to be with me, is super energetic, and very volatile.

so, like i said, some days i really just want them to be someone else's responsibility. but i know in my heart that mothering-teacher, moral guide, dietitian, etc is absolutely necessary. so i work part-time, and then come home and make up for the time i missed with full-time mothering and taking care of a home.

i feel totally exhausted mentally, physically, and spiritually. and that's with the help of family and friends. i pray for those that don't have the thread of family and friends to keep them from falling completely. right now i feel like i'm just stumbling, stumbling, stumbling along.

yes, i should "offer all these things up". i do use my frustrations as reminders to pray for those mothers who are struggling without support, for families with very sick children, for the souls in purgatory, for our priests, and our church. but i'm just not very good at that.

and i'm tired.



so there it is. like i said, we've lived to see another day. we're working on reorganizing some things in hopes that it helps us all, and most importantly, praying for grace, wisdom, and patience.

ahem.

it has been a while since i posted. obviously. i wish i were a fast writer, but i'm not. a "quick" post always takes more time than i would like it to. but i've missed preserving my thoughts in this space. as cussy as my memory is, this space is a good way to keep track of things/vent/blather.

although i don't think we've really been any more busy these last couple weeks (all my days since becoming a mother seem rather full, regardless of our happenings) we have been outside a lot and for me, away from the computer, which is a good thing. oh to be outside! how it soothes my soul. and goodness do the boys need it! to make dinner while they play outside instead of whining under my feet is amazing. when i come in the house to grab a drink, i realize how stuffy and stagnant the house becomes after a long winter. it's hard to articulate, but it just feels so good!

i've also been cleaning out the house and reading real books-it's good to have projects.

and my favorite thing that has kept me away from blogging-it seems like tim has been home more. hours wise, he's working the same amount, but because i haven't been working much, i'm home when he's off and it has been a much, much, much needed infusion of family and couple time. even just his presence around the house is wonderful-like this evening he is home and in the other room playing a video game, and even the sound of the car racing gives me little warm fuzzies. it's amazing how much we took our time for granted when he had a more regular work week. in a way, it's been really good for us. hard, but good.

here's some pics to catch things up. and because my boys are cute-because hey, if you got 'em, flaunt 'em. (as everyone who knows me, knows that my personal philosophy.) (what does a sarcastic emoticon look like?)

his ability to look through my soul in this picture is because he was watching tv while i cut his hair and then took the picture. nothing phases him in tv mode.



i don't think a single day goes by without wresting. oh the tackling in this house.



evidence of our need to be outside. he wanted out IMMEDIATELY after breakfast. footie jammies are the equivalent of shoes, right?



i peeked out the door while cooking dinner to see this. max ticked off and ben chillin in his thinking cap. maybe max is annoyed i'm preserving for posterity his poor apparel choices. 12mo jacket, 2T (maybe 3)sweatshirt, 9mo pants, and ben's sandals. ragamuffin is the standard look around here.



and one more, because after a few days, even the really hard, crazy days, lose their harsh, rough edges and i can laugh at them. on this particular day, ben and i both weren't feeling well, max had been sleeping terribly (meaning i was exhausted and he was extremely "disagreeable"), and i didn't have the energy to not let him eat with a toy screwdriver as his only utensil.

a funny

my brain is so crowded with pretty heavy thoughts, but i think this little gem of a story is probably more pleasing to the court.

today we spent easter at my aunt's house with a good portion of my dad's family.

(this is where a couple of paragraphs would have been describing my family, trying to set the tone of the story. i tried to write them, but felt like i just couldn't do the clan justice. i think we are a pretty "interesting" bunch of people, but i think a lot of families are pretty cooky if you really know them. but maybe not. are we exceptional in our oddness? regardless, i find my family pretty dang amusing.)

(this is the paragraph i tried to write describing my cousin zach. he's especially amusing. my brain is way way too tired to do him justice.)

max was carrying around ben's half empty bubble bottle (i guess i really am a pessimist) and fell, spilling a lot of the bubble solution out. before he could decide if that upset him, my cousin reached down and filled it back to half full from his bottle of beer. beer, in his opinion, looked more authentic than water because it created the line of foamy bubbles. zach didn't want to insult max's intelligence because he would have noticed the lack of bubbles.

******

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booo. i totally destroyed the story. apparently i can't write about my family-much to complex a topic to capture the appropriate nuances of. this really isn't worth posting but i'm giving myself an B+ for effort. maybe sleep is a better idea.