a night in the life of tim and mary

i was going to just write this in my journal, because these are the things i don't want to forget, but decided to write it here in case it amused anyone else.

tonight i was outside watching the gorgeous lightening storm after sunset when tim pulled into the driveway. he walked over to me and after chatting a bit, he told me how much i had scared him when he pulled up.

t: "i was rockin' out to my music, pull up, watching the lightening, and then i see you with your back turned to me. i was terrified you were going to [tim imitates a zombie slowly turning around and staggering towards his car]."

m: "thanks for not shooting me in the head."

t: "oh man, mare. don't become a zombie. i'd hate to have to shoot you. actually, as scary as you are in real life, it probably wouldn't be so hard. you'd be terrifying!"

oddly, i took that as a compliment, but still had to pinch him.

tim's really good at doing voices, so he then made me laugh hysterically as he narrated the storm in a voice that would be inappropriate for me to try to describe.

and now, while i'm writing, he's scanning netflix for a movie to watch. one of his suggested categories, based on his past viewings, is "dark suspenseful foreign revenge movies". we rarely watch movies together.

a prayer

as i snuggle my beautiful new boy, i sometimes start to feel guilt about my blessings. two wild and handsome big boys, and now this new little one. three sons. why do i get these blessings when others so desperately want even one child? or more children.

i used to be so overwhelmed by guilt over my blessings. we live in a world where a lot of bad things happen to innocent people. i can't even hardly listen to NPR anymore-the world news makes me cry. one day while i was talking to my mom about this, she reminded me that, when we pray the morning offering, we offer to God our "prayers, works, joys, and sufferings".

i acknowledge that i am completely unworthy of these gifts. i thank God for all that He has blessed us with. and when those feelings of guilt start to creep in, i offer up my joys and say a prayer.

a million different things

i've been thinking about this space a lot lately. i so wish i could buckle down and spend more time here, but it's hard to sort out the many, many things in my head. and the time that i have to write-after the boys go to bed- is such precious time. when i used to write more, i spent less time with tim (although he was usually still at work so it wasn't an option), slept less, and had a messier house. i like having a tidier house, sleep is quite helpful to maintaining my sanity, and it sure is nice to chat with my husband before the 11pm hour. and i'm a slow writer. even silly posts that are pretty stream of conscience take me a bit to churn out. but i love having this written relic of the past to look back on as our life changes so much over time, all while it seems like it's not changing at all. *insert magic wand waving here!!!*

things that i would like to write about:

-this pregnancy. oh the lessons i've learned. or at least tried desperately to learn but will probably be working on for my whole life. all will be most well. every little thing is going to be okay. be not afraid. courage.
providence. the boys' excitement. the wild belly shows. baby names. tim's excitement and junebug kicking him in the head to predict/declare his/her gender. so many blessings and struggles.

- my big boys. how they've become such great (for the most part) playmates in the last six months. how they call each other bro. their strengths and struggles. ben's first year of school. the emergence of max's solo personality.

- my work. my thoughts on being a working momma, finally being done, and all those feelings. our schedule over the last couple years so i don't forget how full and sometimes crazy it was.

- projects. all the things that i've done during this pregnancy-although none are super stunning before and after reveals. but the little things i'm proud of, like learning how to replace an electrical outlet and light switch. the car saga. projects i still hope to tackle.

brain dump over. not really worth publishing, but oh well.

a boring recipe post to dust off the cobwebs

 i've been wanting to post for...oh....months now, but life keeps happening. and although i enjoy writing and sharing in this space, well, i'll just skip the annoying reasons that don't mean much to you and get on with the recipe.

i made this soup for some friends and they asked for the recipe. instead of typing it out and emailing it to them, i thought this might be a better way to share it with a few more of you who might enjoy it.

Chicken Curry Soup
 (boring title. maybe max's commentary on it might make for a better title: "It looks gross but tastes good Soup")

Procure:
3 onions chopped
4 T. minced garlic (several cloves? i usually use the jarred stuff. yes, i'm a heathen.)
1 stick butter
4 T. curry powder
1 t. cumin
4 c. chicken stock
3 c. half and half
4 c. chicken
4 c. cooked rice (i used brown)
1 heaping T salt
1/4 c. *gasp* sugar

Do:
-In the large pot that you will cook your soup in, so as to only dirty one pot, saute onions and garlic in butter. Once tender, add spices. I added the cumin because the soups seems to be lacking a little bit of depth that more curry wouldn't fulfill, but if you figure out what is missing, please do tell. I'm not very experienced in curry, cumin, turmeric genre of spices. 
-Add stock and half and half to onion/garlic/spice mixture and heat until hot but not boiling. Finally add chicken, rice, sugar, and salt. I have issues with adding deadly, horrible white sugar to a main dish, but I did it. I dare someone to try honey or stevia and report back.

Eat. and hopefully, enjoy.

I get horribly anxious sharing recipes because i'm paranoid i'll have a typo on the ingredient list or amount and i'll poison you and your family, or worse, ruin dinner and all your hard work. and i can't follow a recipe to save my life. so, consider yourself warned.

the end.

it's not you. it's me.

i feel like i've kind of dropped off the face of the earth. i feel bad that there are friends who say, "we should get the kids together sometime" or that i haven't seen or talked to in too long, but that, if i'm being honest with myself, or more fairly, them, i should just admit, it's not going to happen.

i don't want to play the, "oh we're soooo busy!" card. it's lame. most people are busy these days. you either make time or you don't. and really, we're not super busy. i hate being too busy and the idea of it always stresses me out. if anything, it's because i'm becoming more aware of how much i hate to feel too busy. i'm tired most days anyways and i'm to the point where i've realized that cramming things in and trying to make room for everything and everyone makes me miserable. although there are chunks of time in most of my days that are "free", the necessary tasks that surround them must have the priority of my attention and energy.

yesterday i felt guilty because tim was off work and i stayed home and did laundry all day and puttered around the house. i could have put in an extra day at work, visited some neglected friends/family, caught up on some errands, etc. but i just stayed home. i wore my pajamas all day and wasn't busy at all. but really, i got a lot done. all the laundry, tidied the house, worked on some organization, made a nice meal (and cleaned up afterwards!), and watched an episode of downton with my love.

so it's not that we're too busy and absolutely can't fit another thing in. or that i don't like you and don't want to spend time with you. my life is just as full as i can handle right now. between family, work, school and other obligations, life is full. i wish that i could substitute you in for some of those other things, but right now, i just can't. i know that lots of other people and families are so much better at making time for so much more. i marvel at their energy and organization. but i'm just not them, as much as i wish i could be sometimes. well, i used to wish i could be that. i'm trying to be honest with myself about who i am and can be. not lazy, and striving to be and do better, but accepting who i am- a tired little hermit.

if your feelings have been hurt because you think i'm brushing you off, i'm so sorry. it's certainly not you. we are blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. i think about you often and try to remember you in my prayers.

OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

back in middle school, a friend and i often quoted the following scene from the movie "dumb and dumber", adapting it to whatever middle school stress we were experiencing. "i forgot my lunch! i didn't understand our math homework last night! OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"



while i didn't really care for the movie as a whole, i found this scene so comical in it's pathetic-ness. the way jim carrey falls to the floor when he comes in the door. harry's totally disheveled appearance. the extreme melodrama of it is so great, because, well, sometimes i'm a little dramatic.


and as i sit and ponder tim and i's life, as today is our anniversary, that quote and scene sums things up pretty well for us. i'm joking of course, kind of, but we have had a pretty wild last couple of months and i have taken to sometimes whining and sometimes raving that line when i'm feeling particularly overwhelmed.

i feel like we're still trying to find our footing after the "everyone got sick and both of our cars broke and had to be replaced in a week" circus that was the end of november. then the busyness of the holidays. then continued car issues. and work and life and our pets' heads falling off.

but we're in this crazy adventure together. sometimes tim's harry and i'm lloyd, sometimes i'm harry, in mannerisms and appearance. i would say  here's to hoping this next year of marriage is quiet and peaceful and uneventful, but considering "give birth" is tentatively penciled in on the june calendar, i don't think that's going to happen.

cheers to our little circus and another year!

dispatch from the troll cave

lately, i feel like we've been dealing with one cluster cuss after another. in these situations, i want to scream, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT DECISION IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT A GROWN-UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well, actually, if i'm being honest, there are some colorful descriptors scattered in there.

in my mind there's a big difference between adults and grown-ups. i'm okay with being an adult, maybe, but i don't feel like i'm capable of being a grown-up until i reach at least age 43. so just back the bleep off universe.

adults work and pay bills and maybe even have a few kids, but grown-ups make investment decisions, major career decisions, health insurance, emergency, disaster, ohmyflipwhatamisupposedtodo DECISIONS. so basically, grown ups make decisions. i hate making decisions.

yes, i broke my blog silence for that bit of brilliance.

how about you? do you feel like an adult or a grown-up? are they the same thing to you? what makes you curl up into a ball, throw a two-year-old style meltdown tantrum, or start cursing and wanting to break things to relieve stress? not that i would do any of those things in the face of major adversity. or a decision that needs to be made.